Parental Guidance

 

You would think that by this point in their careers, both Billy Crystal and Bette Midler could smell a stinker script like Parental Guidance from a mile away.  And yet, here they are starring in it.  And look, Crystal's even credited as the lead producer, meaning he really had a lot of faith in this project.  Either that, or he's taken leave of his senses, and thinks appearing in a movie where he gets hit in the crotch with a baseball bat AND throws up on a kid (in the same scene, nonetheless) was a good career move.

Here is one of the dumber comedies of the year.  How unfortunate it's also the last.  Crystal and Midler play Artie and Diane, respectively - aging grandparents trying to get used to retirement after Artie is fired from his long-time job as an announcer for a minor league baseball team.  They're an old fashioned couple, which of course means that their adult daughter, Alice (Marisa Tomei), is the complete opposite.  She lives in Atlanta with her husband (Tom Everett Scott) and their three kids in a computerized smart house where everything is automatic.  Alice and her husband feel overworked and overstressed, and want to take time away from the kids.  The old-fashioned Artie and Diane are chosen to babysit the modern and tech-savvy kids while the parents are away.  Bet you didn't see that coming!

The kids are a pretty standard lot for this kind of film.  They include oldest daughter Harper (Bailee Madison), shy middle child Turner (Joshua Rush), and youngest Barker (Kyle Harrison Breitkopf).  Each of them are dealing with their own issues.  Little Harper is an overachiever, and doesn't have time for fun things like going to a birthday party being thrown by a boy that she likes.  Turner stutters, and is dealing with a bully at school.  And little Barker's only friend is an invisible imaginary kangaroo that the family goes to extreme lengths to humor the kid.  Naturally the grandparents will help the kids with their problems during their time there.  Harper learns how to have fun when they teach her how to play Kick the Can in the backyard.  Turner finds his voice by listening to Artie's old baseball broadcasts.  And Barker learns to let go of his imaginary friend when the family holds a funeral for it, after Barker pretends it ran away from home, and got hit by a car. (I'm dead serious.)

This is such an artificial and cloying movie, filled with people and situations that could never be remotely plausible.  Consider this particular scene - After being fired from his job, Artie tries to get a job as an announcer for the X Games.  He dresses himself up in dated hip hop attire, trying to make himself look younger than he is.  The people giving the interview are not fooled, but decide to let him audition anyway, and work as an announcer while skateboarder Tony Hawk is performing.  Everything is going great, until little Barker sneaks away, and decides to urinate all over the half pipe that Tony Hawk happens to be performing on, causing him to slip up and fall.  This costs Artie the job.  Does anything I just described sound like something that could remotely happen?

Parental Guidance is essentially a very bad TV sitcom stretched to the breaking point at feature length.  The dialogue is witless, and doesn't even sound like dialogue to start with.  It's just a bunch of weary set ups for bad punchlines.  The movie somehow manages to get even worse in its last half hour when it stops going for laughs, and turns on the schmaltz.  It's one sappy wannabe tearjerker scene after another as Artie reconciles with Alice, Alice reconciles with Harper, Harper reconciles with herself and discovers what she wants out of life, Turner learns how to speak up for himself and overcome his stutter, and the movie ends.  Personally, that last part is the only thing that made me truly happy.  While all this is going on, Crystal and Midler kind of stand around, throwing out tired one-liners, and doing the occasional musical number now and then.

 

Yes, this movie is safe and inoffensive.  It's also tremendously stupid.  There are so many better movies to take your kids to see over Christmas Vacation.  Movies that will make them laugh, and spark their imaginations.  Parental Guidance might keep them quiet for a little while, but ask yourself, don't your kids deserve more?  If you answered yes, then take your kids to see The Hobbit.  If you answered no, you get what you deserve.

See the movie times in your area or buy the DVD at Amazon.com!

0 comments