Unaccompanied Minors

It always saddens me to see strong talent wasted in an aimless screenplay. Unaccompanied Minors has talent on and off the screen, but doesn't have a single clue as to how to use them. The director is Paul Feig, who has worked on a number of clever and highly regarded TV shows such as Arrested Development, The Office, and Freaks and Geeks. One of the stars is Lewis Black, a very funny comedian who is always a knock out on The Daily Show, but unfortunately can't seem to get a decent role when it comes to movies. Heck, even the kids who fill in the lead roles seem to be wonderfully talented and likeable. And yet, the screenplay they have been dealt with is a messy and obnoxious concoction that comes from the Home Alone school of holiday filmmaking. You know, the kind of holiday comedy that tries to combine Hallmark-style family sentiment with over the top gratuitous slapstick violence. While the film is not devoid of the occasional scattered laugh, everyone involved deserves much better than what Unaccompanied Minors gives them.

The film is set during the 24 hour period from Christmas Eve to Christmas Day. A major snow storm hits the local area, grounding all flights at Hoover International Airport. As the passengers settle in for a night of waiting for the first morning flight the next day, the unaccompanied minors who are supposed to be traveling by themselves are sent to a room away from the adults. Five of the kids decide to break out of the room, and have some fun exploring the airport on their own. These kids include all-around everyman Spencer (Dyllan Christopher), pampered "princess" Grace (Gina Mantegna), tough talking tomboy Donna (Quinn Shephard), overweight outcast Timothy (Brett Kelly), and straight-laced Charlie (Tyler James Williams). Their break out is discovered by the Scrooge-like head of the airport, Oliver (Lewis Black), who naturally hates kids and hates Christmas. As the kids attempt to avoid detection from Oliver and his squad of inept security staff, they learn to put their differences aside and work together in order to help Spencer reach his younger sister Katherine (Dominique Saldana), who is holed up at a nearby hotel, and is worried that Santa won't be able to find her away from home.

Unaccompanied Minors plays by a wide variety of rules. Sometimes it wants to be a movie that speaks honestly and openly about preteens who either feel ignored by their parents, or simply feel like they don't fit in anywhere. Here, the movie takes on a vibe that almost sets the movie up to be kind of like a Breakfast Club for the preteen set, as the kids set aside their personal differences and social backgrounds, and talk openly with each other about their fears and personal problems. Most of the time, however, the movie wants to be a wild slapstick chase as the kids constantly outrun, abuse, and outwit a group of apparently mentally challenged airport staff. For a movie that wants to tug at the heart strings and spread Christmas cheer, it often helps if we can relate to what we are watching up there on the screen. Unaccompanied Minors is so out of touch with reality that it almost seems to be set on another planet. Consider and ponder to yourself some of these moments taken from the film...

-How is a kid able to buy a large, fully loaded Christmas tree with nothing but his cherished Aquaman action figure? The movie does not allow us the pleasure of seeing how this strange business transaction went down. He simply offers the tree salesman his toy, and the next time we see the kid, he's lugging a giant Christmas tree behind him. Based on this, we can assume that the salesman is either A: Incredibly stupid, or B: A rabid Aquaman fan. And since just about any comic book fan worth their grain of salt would tell you that Aquaman is one of the worst superheroes ever created, I'm leaning toward A.

-How is another kid able to stuff himself inside a suitcase, only to have some security officers pick it up, mistaking it as unclaimed baggage, and not hear the kid's moans and screams from inside the luggage as they carry it over to a conveyor belt? The scene gets even better as it depicts the kid's extremely dangerous journey as he is smashed by mechanical pressers, and dropped a good ten or twenty feet down pits and onto large piles of unclaimed bags. Of course, when the other kids discover him and free him the suitcase, he is perfectly fine without a scratch on him. I understand that this is a brainless kid's comedy and everything, but to assume that anyone could survive what this kid goes through and not be the least bit traumatized is pushing it even by this movie's standards.

-And I thought Deck the Halls had a climax that was hard to swallow. Along comes this movie to prove just how big of a fool I am. The film's villain, Oliver, has spent the entire movie relentlessly chasing after the kids, getting smashed in the face, punched in the stomach, falling over luggage, and sent down a dangerous bobsled chase after the children that climaxes with a crash that would kill most people, but in this movie, simply gives him a bloody nose. When he finally confronts the lead kid Spencer at the end, the kid hands him a novelty snow globe as a peace offering. This is apparently exactly what was needed to melt the old miser's heart, and fill it with Christmas cheer, not to mention completely forgetting the hell Spencer and his friends have put him through during the past 24 hours. This simple act fills Oliver with so much Christmas cheer that the next time we see him, he's dressed up as Santa Claus, and is handing out presents to all the passengers who were traveling alone for the holidays. Don't ask where he got the money to give presents to the hundreds of people, or where all the presents came from. And don't worry if you fear I've given away the ending, as the climax goes on for another 10 minutes after this point, and includes some even more implausible developments. I'll leave you to discover those on your own, should you see this movie.

The cast that has been gathered to tell this loopy yuletide tale are a talented bunch, perhaps too talented for this movie, as the material often gives them little to do. The kids at least seem to be having fun, and are genuinely talented enough for me to hope they appear in better work soon. The adult characters are mainly forced to act like cartoonish parodies of adults who are stupid enough for the kids to constantly outsmart at every turn. There are some subplots concerning Spencer's parents as they try to reach the kids (Spencer's dad drives cross country to the airport in an organically-fueled car, while his mom is stuck at her Christmas-obsessed sister's house.), but neither are developed enough for us to care. That would generally describe my reaction to this movie on the whole. It's competently made, but holds absolutely no imagination. Considering the talent involved with Unaccompanied Minors, they all deserved better.

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