In all my years of going to the movies, I have never seen anything quite like
Dragon Wars. That's not a complement, by the way. This movie manages to combine uneven CG effects, acting so wooden I wanted to check if the performers even had a pulse, and a story so incoherent and rushed I have my suspicions that even the actors didn't know what they were talking about when they were reciting the lines. And yet, this movie held me under a spell of perverse fascination. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, and I also couldn't look away. Like only the best of train wreck movies, you have to watch
Dragon Wars just to see how it's going to screw up next. It never lets you down in that department, at least.
The plot kicks off with a scale-shaped object being discovered under the ruins of a destroyed building. A reporter on the scene named Ethan (Jason Behr from
Skinwalkers) recognizes the design of the object, and flashes back to when he was a little boy visiting an antique shop with his dad. The owner of the shop was a loopy old man (Robert Forster) that told Ethan that he was the reincarnation of a great warrior from 500 years ago, who fell in love with a girl who was tired to a great dragon because of a birthmark on her shoulder. The story concerns ancient prophecies, evil demon warriors, giant monsters, martial arts, and just about every fantasy film cliche you can think of, but doesn't make much sense. Throw in the fact that we're watching a flashback while the old man is talking while we're already in the middle of Ethan's flashback, and it gets even more comical. Back in the present, Ethan believes this object has something to do with the prophecy from long ago, and he has to find the reincarnated form of the woman he fought to protect centuries ago. That woman is Sarah (Amanda Brooks), and she has no idea of her destiny until giant dragon monsters start chasing her on the street in broad daylight, and an evil robed man starts pursuing her. If Sarah is not able to perform her pre-destined duty, the evil army of darkness and its dragons will take over the city of Los Angeles, and eventually the world.
At least, that's my best guess as to what
Dragon Wars is supposed to be about. The truth of the matter is, this movie speeds through its plot with the ferocity of a runaway train. Unfortunately, it tells its story with all the grace and confidence of an elephant on roller skates. Half the time, I didn't know what was going on or why I was supposed to care, and quite frankly, I don't think writer-director Hyung-rae Shim knew either. He eventually stops even trying to tell a story, and just gives us one special effects set piece after another, where the dragons and/or an army of armored soldiers who seemingly appear out of nowhere lay waste to the city. So many plots are introduced, and then thrown to the way side, I started to wonder if it was being made up on the set as the filmmakers went along. That would certainly explain some of my many questions about this movie. Questions like, where the hell were the characters supposed to be in the climax? It looked like Mount Doom from the
Lord of the Rings trilogy crossed with the Temple of Doom, but no explanation is given as to what it's supposed to be, or how the characters got there in the first place. And how does a massive dragon creature tear through a suburban neighborhood after our heroes, destroying houses, but not one single person seems to notice it? How does a 19-year-old girl buy a drink at a bar without any problem, unless their name is Lindsay Lohan? How does this same girl go from a police station, to her bedroom, to a hospital in less than ten minutes? I could probably fill up this entire review asking questions about this movie's plot, so I'll quit while I'm ahead.
Beyond the story, which gives new meaning to the phrase "Idiot Plot", there's even more to consider. I've seen some of these actors in other films, so why does everyone involved perform like they've never acted in their entire lives? Everyone is so deadpan and emotionless, it's like watching a movie performed entirely by a cast of Pod People. Of course, it would probably help if somebody was able to play someone resembling a character. Everybody's too busy racing around, avoiding the special effects monsters, they never get a chance to slow down and say more than two words. The special effects themselves are another matter entirely. Since the film devotes 80% of its time to the dragons attacking people and the city, you'd think they would have the common decency to make the creatures not look like video game characters that have been clumsily added into the live action footage. To be fair, there are some effect shots that look passable, but for the most part, the visuals are not worth the trouble it takes to watch this movie from beginning to end. The only way this movie could be entertaining is with witty friends, a lot of alcoholic beverages, and the opportunity to just rip on it the whole way through. Actually, the movie does a pretty good job on its own of ridiculing itself, so maybe that wouldn't even work.
I think it's quite fair to say we'll never see a movie like
Dragon Wars hitting the big screen again. There are bad movies, and then there are movies so bad that they kind of reach an entirely different level. It's the kind of movie you'll share with friends, but not for the kind of reasons you usually talk about movies with your friends. You'll laugh as you think back on it, you'll shake your head, and then you'll probably never think about it again. At the very least, this film should give great hope to young filmmakers the world over. If
Dragon Wars can wind up with a full-scale theatrical run, there's hope for you yet.
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In all my years of going to the movies, I have never seen anything quite like Dragon Wars. That's not a complement, by the way. This movie manages to combine uneven CG effects, acting so wooden I wanted to check if the performers even had a pulse, and a story so incoherent and rushed I have my suspicions that even the actors didn't know what they were talking about when they were reciting the lines. And yet, this movie held me under a spell of perverse fascination. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, and I also couldn't look away. Like only the best of train wreck movies, you have to watch Dragon Wars just to see how it's going to screw up next. It never lets you down in that department, at least.
The plot kicks off with a scale-shaped object being discovered under the ruins of a destroyed building. A reporter on the scene named Ethan (Jason Behr from Skinwalkers) recognizes the design of the object, and flashes back to when he was a little boy visiting an antique shop with his dad. The owner of the shop was a loopy old man (Robert Forster) that told Ethan that he was the reincarnation of a great warrior from 500 years ago, who fell in love with a girl who was tired to a great dragon because of a birthmark on her shoulder. The story concerns ancient prophecies, evil demon warriors, giant monsters, martial arts, and just about every fantasy film cliche you can think of, but doesn't make much sense. Throw in the fact that we're watching a flashback while the old man is talking while we're already in the middle of Ethan's flashback, and it gets even more comical. Back in the present, Ethan believes this object has something to do with the prophecy from long ago, and he has to find the reincarnated form of the woman he fought to protect centuries ago. That woman is Sarah (Amanda Brooks), and she has no idea of her destiny until giant dragon monsters start chasing her on the street in broad daylight, and an evil robed man starts pursuing her. If Sarah is not able to perform her pre-destined duty, the evil army of darkness and its dragons will take over the city of Los Angeles, and eventually the world.
At least, that's my best guess as to what Dragon Wars is supposed to be about. The truth of the matter is, this movie speeds through its plot with the ferocity of a runaway train. Unfortunately, it tells its story with all the grace and confidence of an elephant on roller skates. Half the time, I didn't know what was going on or why I was supposed to care, and quite frankly, I don't think writer-director Hyung-rae Shim knew either. He eventually stops even trying to tell a story, and just gives us one special effects set piece after another, where the dragons and/or an army of armored soldiers who seemingly appear out of nowhere lay waste to the city. So many plots are introduced, and then thrown to the way side, I started to wonder if it was being made up on the set as the filmmakers went along. That would certainly explain some of my many questions about this movie. Questions like, where the hell were the characters supposed to be in the climax? It looked like Mount Doom from the Lord of the Rings trilogy crossed with the Temple of Doom, but no explanation is given as to what it's supposed to be, or how the characters got there in the first place. And how does a massive dragon creature tear through a suburban neighborhood after our heroes, destroying houses, but not one single person seems to notice it? How does a 19-year-old girl buy a drink at a bar without any problem, unless their name is Lindsay Lohan? How does this same girl go from a police station, to her bedroom, to a hospital in less than ten minutes? I could probably fill up this entire review asking questions about this movie's plot, so I'll quit while I'm ahead.
Beyond the story, which gives new meaning to the phrase "Idiot Plot", there's even more to consider. I've seen some of these actors in other films, so why does everyone involved perform like they've never acted in their entire lives? Everyone is so deadpan and emotionless, it's like watching a movie performed entirely by a cast of Pod People. Of course, it would probably help if somebody was able to play someone resembling a character. Everybody's too busy racing around, avoiding the special effects monsters, they never get a chance to slow down and say more than two words. The special effects themselves are another matter entirely. Since the film devotes 80% of its time to the dragons attacking people and the city, you'd think they would have the common decency to make the creatures not look like video game characters that have been clumsily added into the live action footage. To be fair, there are some effect shots that look passable, but for the most part, the visuals are not worth the trouble it takes to watch this movie from beginning to end. The only way this movie could be entertaining is with witty friends, a lot of alcoholic beverages, and the opportunity to just rip on it the whole way through. Actually, the movie does a pretty good job on its own of ridiculing itself, so maybe that wouldn't even work.
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