The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A Veggie Tales Movie

When I'm stuck watching a movie that doesn't quite grab my attention, I find my mind tends to wander. The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A Veggie Tales Movie sent my mind spinning with a thousand questions. It's not just the fact that the entire cast is made up entirely out of CG veggies, fruits, and even killer cheese puff snacks. It's the fact that the characters have no arms or legs, but are somehow able to pick up objects. The objects just float in front of them, making it seem as if the characters are performing some kind of bizarre form of telepathy every time they "pick up" a sword. The movie also raises a lot more questions, but I'll get to those later. For now, onto the review.

The Veggie Tales are a series of animated videos that teach Christian values to children through goofy characters, fun songs, and off the wall humor. This is not their first theatrical release, as they had an earlier one back in 2002 with Jonah. That movie went unseen by me, and will remain so. I've come to understand that the characters have earned quite a large adult fanbase over the years. Perhaps the videos are clever, but this movie certainly is not. The animation is simplistic, the jokes are uninspired, and the entire product seems like a second thought that's been rushed into theaters to squeeze more money from the fans. In an attempt to go mainstream, even the Christian value angle has been dropped in favor of an uninspired pirate adventure for kids. Speaking of the kids, they might like this. Real little kids, I suppose. Any adult in the audience, however, will probably feel the strong urge to walk off a plank before the movie hits the half hour mark.

The story opens in the 17th Century, where an evil half-veggie/half-mechanical pirate named Robert the Terrible (voice by Cam Clarke) is attempting to take over a local kingdom by overthrowing the Royal Family. He attempts to kidnap the Prince and Princess, but the resourceful young Princess Eloise (Laura Gerow) manages to elude capture. She seeks out help to rescue her brother the Prince, and relies on a metallic orb her father gave her that's designed to seek out heroes in times of great need. Flash forward to the present, and we're introduced to three waiters at a pirate-themed restaurant who all have self-esteem issues. Elliott the cucumber (Mike Nawrocki) is afraid of everything, Sedgewick the gourd (Phil Vischer) is lazy, and George the grape (once again Phil Vischer) is seen as a loser in the eyes of his two children. Never once asking why a grape is hanging out in a world made entirely of vegetables, the movie plows ahead when the three unlikely heroes discover the time-traveling orb from the past, and are sent back in time to the situation in the 17th Century. The trusting Princess mistakes them for being real heroes, and charges them with the task of saving the kingdom. The three friends will discover bravery they never knew they had as they face off against Robert the Terrible's army, giant rock monsters, and those previously mentioned killer cheese puff snacks.

The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything seems to have been designed with the most basic elements in mind. The animation barely rises above the CG kids watch every Saturday morning on television, the dialogue is immediately forgettable, and the "hip" pop culture references thrown in for adults include such things as The Days of Our Lives and The Weather Channel. The word that kept on springing up in my mind while watching this was "generic". There are some scattered musical numbers that seem to be shoehorned in, and have nothing to do with anything that's happening in the movie, including a music video during the end credits that I didn't stick around to see the end of. Maybe it's me, but I found it hard to get wrapped up in the exploits of wether a kingdom of vegetables would be saved or not. For what is supposed to be a goofy kids movie, it sure takes its plot a lot more seriously than it should. The one liners are scattered too far apart, and aren't even that funny to start with. The movie is brightly colored and all, but the much-needed energy is completely lacking.

The one thing that kept me in my seat was the countless questions about the world of the Veggie Tales that I kept on asking myself. The movie continuously showed me things that interested/bothered me greatly. For example, many times we see the vegetable characters eating. At one point, one of them is eating a hamburger. Seeing a carnivorous vegetable somewhat disturbed me for some reason. What also disturbed me were the early scenes at the pirate-themed restaurant, where it showed the patrons having what looked like a cooked potato on their plates. Do the veggies support cannibalism as well as Christianity? It made me glad the movie never shows us what goes on in the kitchen, as it probably involves a form of human sacrifice. And then, of course, there's the whole they don't have arms or legs thing. They get around by bouncing around on their bottoms (except for the villain, who moves via a robotic body), and as mentioned earlier, pick up objects through apparent mind power. And although it is never shown, they also apparently have the means to create waste, as one character complains about the need to use the bathroom. Seeing the little gourd jumping around looking for the bathroom made me wonder where it comes out from, as there appears to be no means for it to exit.
I probably shouldn't be thinking about these kind of things while watching a kids movie, but the filmmakers keep on shoving these facts in our faces throughout it. It's like the udders on the male cows in that Barnyard animated movie. You can't ignore it, no matter how hard you try. The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything is so basic and dull, I had to find someway to amuse myself, and sometimes the thoughts that enter my head aren't pretty. Shake your head if you must, but you have to admit, the idea of a vegetable eating a cooked vegetable is funny in a morbid sort of way.

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