Star Wars: The Clone Wars

So, it has come to this. I think it's safe to say that The Clone Wars pretty much flattens any last shred of credibility that the Star Wars franchise may have held. The disappointing prequel trilogy gave us warning signs that all was not well in LucasLand. This disappointingly shallow, dull, and unneeded side story all but rams the point home. All the imagination and awe from the original films is gone, replaced with a frantic and bombastic assault on the senses that seems to be made by and for 10-year-olds on a major sugar rush.

The solitary purpose of The Clone Wars is to introduce a new animated TV series that will be debuting on the Cartoon Network later this year. Now kids will be able to follow the further adventures of Obi-Wan Kenobi (voice by James Arnold Taylor) and Anakin Skywalker (Matt Lanter), set chronologically between Episode II: Attack of the Clones and Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. But, hold on a minute. Did executive producer George Lucas or anyone else involved with the project realize just how pointless this idea is? We've seen the original trilogy, we've seen the prequel trilogy. We pretty much know what's going to happen to the characters, since their fates have pretty much been public knowledge for about 30 years now. Where's the suspense in that? Why should we tune in to see if these heroes are going to make it out okay if we already know they obviously did? It's a core problem in the movie as well. When Anakin faces down the evil Count Dooku (Christopher Lee, one of the few original actors from the actual Star Wars films who lends his voice to this cartoon) late in the film, the fight seems completely needless, since we hold advance knowledge that the characters do not.

The story that director Dave Filoni and his writers have come up with can best be described as a very basic and shallow hook to hang a seemingly endless string of interminable space dogfight battles, and lightsabre duels. Jabba the Hutt's infant son, Rotta, is kidnapped by mysterious assailants. The kidnappers are working under the devious Dooku, who plans to use the baby Hutt to frame the Jedi, leading Jabba to believe that they are responsible for the abduction. Obi-Wan and Anakin already have their hands full battling the evil droid army that is spreading out across the galaxy, and now they must track down the young creature before the Hutt clan declares war against the Jedi and the Republic. While Obi-Wan and the clone soldiers try to hold off the advancing armies, Anakin, along with his young Padawan apprentice Ahsoaka Tano (Ashley Eckstein), must try to return Rotta to his proper home. Call it Adventures in Hutt-Sitting.

The Clone Wars literally starts with a bang, throwing us directly into the middle of a battle with little explanation, other than a hastily-spoken narration voice over that sounds like it was read by a game show announcer. From there, the characters are briefly re-introduced to us in the thick of battle. Obi-Wan and Anakin exchange a couple weak one-liners with each other, while Yoda (Tom Kane) and Mace Windu (Samuel L. Jackson) are pretty much restricted to barely registering cameo roles as they watch on the sidelines. Once the situation with the missing baby Hutt is established, the movie literally never slows down. It's one exhausting fight scene or action sequence after another as Anakin and Ahsoaka race across the galaxy to reach the planet Tatooine, as they're pursued by various aliens, droids, and whatever else the filmmakers feel like throwing in. It doesn't take long for the movie to start to resemble a hyper-active video game, as it never slows down long enough to allow the characters to do anything but run and shoot at things. But then, given the wooden dialogue on display, maybe it's a good thing. While the actual Star Wars films were not exactly known for their dialogue, I have to admit I choked on my soda just a little when I heard Anakin's new Padawan refer to him affectionately as "Sky-guy".

It's quite clear that the main appeal of the original films were the special effects, not to mention the imaginative worlds and creatures. So then why does The Clone Wars look no better than the stuff you see in a Saturday morning cartoon? I know, the movie is intended to be a launching point for one, but that doesn't explain how cheap everything looks here. The characters suffer from a very shiny and "plastic" look that makes them look more like animated action figures than actual people inhabiting the story. The hair on the characters don't even move. It's molded and painted onto their heads, kind of like a Ken doll. I'm also still trying to figure out the filmmakers' decision to give everyone such limited facial movement, making the entire cast look like they just received a massive Botox implant. I didn't believe for a second that I was watching a genuine story, or even a continuation of the Star Wars universe. I felt like I was listening to a bad fanfiction story written by a fanboy hopped up on way too much caffeine, acted out by poorly rendered video game characters.

Unless you're the most forgiving fanatic of the franchise to walk this green Earth, or are under 10-years-old, there is absolutely nothing appealing to be found within The Clone Wars. It's nothing but a lot of noise and explosions that assault the senses for 100 minutes, then leaves you walking out of the theater with no real thoughts or impressions. It's not even enjoyable in one ear and out the other entertainment. I'm sure the TV series will probably be no different, but at least you won't have to pay to watch it. You can also change the channel, something I wished I could have done many times watching this film.

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