The Back-Up Plan

Sometimes you come across a bad movie where it at least seems like the cast were trying. And sometimes you come across a bad movie like The Back-Up Plan, where it seems like everyone up on the screen knew they were stuck in a turkey. This is a dead-in-the-water romantic comedy that gives us nothing to think about, nothing to laugh about, and nothing to look forward to except for the end credits.

The movie marks the first major starring role for Jennifer Lopez in five years. Most critics would make a snide comment right about now, something along the lines of "If this is the best project she could find, she should have waited another five years". But I will not stoop to this level, dear reader. The reason is because if you think about it, the quality of this film is not too far removed from some of the romantic comedies she made at the peak of her acting career, such as The Wedding Planner, Maid in Manhattan, and Monster-in-Law. So, despite her absence from acting, her ability to pick the most mediocre and bland material out there obviously has not changed. She plays Zoe here, a single woman who supposedly owns a pet store. I say supposedly, since we never see her actually do any work, and she only hangs out at the store to talk to two of her co-worker friends. The pet store also allows her to have a cute "reaction shot" dog, whom the filmmakers cut to so often for reaction shots from dialogue the actors say, you'd almost think the dog was giving a silent commentary on the film itself.

As the film opens, Zoe is desperate to have a baby. Since she can't find the right guy, she decides on artificial insemination. The same day she visits the doctor to get it done, she has a fateful run in with a handsome young man named Stan (Alex O'Loughlin), when they both try to hail the same taxi. In the grand tradition of bland sitcom level-writing, the two hate each at first, but it takes mere seconds for Stan to start to warm up to Alex, and begin following her around, asking for a date. Zoe eventually gives in, and the two begin a relationship that seems to be built on physical attraction and little else. It would be nice if screenwriter Kate Angelo gave these characters some personality, but the plot (such as it is) kicks in before that can happen. It seems that Zoe has become pregnant from the insemination, and she doesn't know how to tell Stan. She, perhaps unwisely, breaks the news after they have sex in a store room of cheese (long story). Now Stan doesn't know if he should stay and help her raise the baby or not. Some advice from a dad on a playground (Anthony Anderson) encourages him to stay with Zoe, and the two prepare for parenthood.

Obviously, a decent comedy could be made from this material, but The Back-Up Plan is so bland to the point that it literally evaporates right up there on screen. Characters, dialogue, and situations are set up, but they are performed so haphazardly, they go in one ear and out the other. I'm finding it hard to remember many specifics about the movie to write about. I do remember that it kept on setting up characters, making them out to be important, only to have them disappear without a trace. The dad on the playground who gives Stan advice pops up another scene or two after he's introduced, then is never seen again. Likewise, Zoe's two friends who work at the pet store show up enough early on that we think they're going to play some part in the plot, only to have them disappear completely until the end. She does have another best friend character (Michaela Watkins), and although she appears throughout, she doesn't really get to contribute anything of note.

The big overall problem is that nothing really happens during the entire running time. The movie keeps on setting up ideas that could work, such as a support group for single mothers, only to completely botch it up. The support group, in question, plays like something out of a bad sitcom, with a bunch of loony women that no one in their right mind would want to be around. I feel it's appropriate to mention right now that both screenwriter Angelo and director Alan Poul have all of their former experience working in television, and that this is their first feature film. That explains why the movie feels like an extended pilot for a sitcom that never got off the ground. This is an aimless and plotless movie that never goes anywhere, and forces us to endure adult characters who sometimes seem dumber than they should be.

It all boils down to The Back-Up Plan being a total waste of time and energy. It doesn't even seem to care about its own destination, as we don't really get to see Zoe give birth to her twin children. Oops! I gave away the ending. But, honestly, did you expect this movie to end with a miscarriage or an abortion? The babies are born, misunderstandings between the lead lovers are solved, the music swells, and the movie ends. It ends almost two hours later than it should, but it ends.

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