I Am Number Four

Every so often, a bad movie comes along that is so goofy, ungainly, and wrong-headed, I almost want to embrace it. I Am Number Four is a soulless corporate project without a scrap of imagination, and nothing that hasn't been borrowed from something else. And yet, the movie has so many bad and unintentional laughs, it almost works as a comedy. What's a bad laugh, you ask? It's when you know the material you're watching is supposed to be taken seriously, but the way it's been written and acted is just so unconvincing, you laugh at the attempt.

And yet, I have a certain admiration for its ineptitude. This is a movie that succeeds at being bad on multiple levels. It takes the worst parts of the various franchises that inspired it, and mashes them together into one big mess. We have the unconvincing and wooden romance of the Twilight films (only with a handsome but bland alien, instead of a handsome but bland vampire), we have the alien's super powers lifted from just about every recent superhero movie of the past five years (He shoots energy blasts from the palms of his hands like Iron Man! He has the strength and speed of Superman!), we have stock high school cliches that have been around since time immortal (the bully jock, the misunderstood artist girl, the geek), and we have a climax ripped right out of a Michael Bay movie, with lots of stuff getting blown up, guns and energy blasts going off, people flying through the air, and giant CG monsters on the attack. In fact, Bay himself serves as a producer. My guess how this project came about? He saw Twilight, and thought it needed more super powers and stuff blowing up.

The movie opens with some rushed exposition - Our hero is a teenager who appears normal, but (wait for it...) is not from around here. He originally hailed from a distant planet known as Lorien, which was destroyed by a vile race known as the Mogadorians. Nine children escaped from the planet before it was destroyed, and have been living on Earth in different parts of the world since then. They're all connected with some sort of psychic bond, however. That's how our lead character, John (Alex Pettyfer), knows when one of the nine has been killed by the Mogadorians, who are now on Earth, hunting down the escaped children. Three have been killed already, and John is number four. Why are the Mogadorians hunting down these children? What did they want with planet Lorien in the first place? My guess is those answers are coming in another movie, as this film serves merely as a set up for a six-part franchise. Wishful thinking on the part of the producers, given the quality of this film.

But, I digress. John, and his Lorien protector, Henry (Timothy Olyphant), have been on the lam, trying to stay one step ahead of the Mogadorians, by moving to different parts of the country, living under assumed names. Henry is supposed to be the mentor, and to teach John how to use his super powers that he is slowly developing as he gets older, but he doesn't do a whole heck of a lot, other than look disapprovingly when John sneaks off to have fun. They're supposed to be keeping a low profile, after all. Henry's lectures to John actually bring a lot of the film's bad laughs. When John tells Henry he's attracted to Sarah (Dianna Agron from TV's Glee), the pretty artistic girl at his new school, Henry sternly reminds him that "he wasn't sent here to experience puppy love like a real boy". Then again, the movie is kind of unclear why John, Henry, and the eight other children were sent here in the first place. Still, Henry is sympathetic toward young John's feelings. However, he once again warns them that humans are different from them. "The humans don't love like we do. With us, it's forever".

With dialogue like that, it's easy to get sidetracked. Then again, it's also easy to get sidetracked when the plot stays stalled for most of its running time. As the Mogadorians slowly (very slowly) track John down to his new location in Paradise, Ohio, the alien teen woos Sarah, makes friends with the school geek (Callan McAuliffe), who used to hunt for evidence of UFOs with his father, until dear old dad was abducted by aliens, and runs afoul of the local jock and bully (Jake Abel). While all this is happening, John begins to develop super powers, and figures out how to use them with no real training or assistance. Good thing, with the bullies trying to steal Sarah away, and those evil Mogadorians arriving with a giant monster they cart around in a giant crate hooked to a truck. There's also a blonde bombshell (Teresa Palmer) tracking John down, who we later learn is another one of the Lorien survivors, and a little puppy who keeps on following John everywhere he goes for reasons I won't dare spoil. And yes, the puppy actually plays a key role in the climax.

With all this happening, I Am Number Four is like an explosion at the screenplay factory. A bunch of pages from different movies somehow got fused together into this ungainly and unintentionally hilarious mess. Keep in mind, a lot of these ideas and characters are not really explained. The movie's open-ended conclusion wants to build excitement for the answers to come, but I highly doubt anyone will be dying to know what role the puppy will ultimately play in this galactic battle of good vs. evil. Or anything else, for that matter. Heck, the movie doesn't even seem interested in itself. Here is this battle between two warring alien races taking place on Earth, and most of the film's running time is dealt with John's puppy love with Sarah, or dealing with the bullies.

Most of the film's cast hail from television, and if their performances here are any indication, they can stay there. I'll admit, I don't watch a lot of television, so I don't know if it's the fault of the actors themselves, or the director D.J. Caruso (Eagle Eye). His direction does seem rather bland here, almost like he's shooting a made for TV movie, rather than something for the big screen. There is one impressive extended aerial shot at the very beginning, but it's all downhill from there. One curious decision he makes is to shoot most of his major sequences at night, giving the special effects a murky and uninspired look. The film's climax (set at a high school stadium) is a confusing and jumbled mess of CG images, making the whole thing akin to a hyperactive video game.

I Am Number Four leaves us with a lot of unanswered questions, and though I don't care to hear the answer to a lot of them, there is one thing I'd like to have explained - Why does John have all these super powers, but Henry does not? What makes John, and eventually the blonde girl who teams up with him, so special? I'm sure we'll eventually find out, but in order for that to happen, there would have to be a sequel. That's something I wouldn't wish on anybody.

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