Walking with Dinosaurs

The filmmakers behind Walking with Dinosaurs have made an inexplicably bad decision by giving the dinosaurs the ability to speak...Well, they sort of speak.  They never move their mouths, yet they are able to talk, as well as hear and understand one another.  Maybe this wouldn't be so bad, but the speech the dinosaurs have is generic sitcom speak.  They talk in catchphrases like "You just got served", and the like.  They trash talk one another, spout lame one liners, and revel in poop jokes.

Why do this?  The whole reason why kids love dinosaurs in the first place is that they are so mysterious, and that there is nothing on Earth truly like them anymore.  By taking away that mystery and wonder, and handling the dinosaurs like they're cheap Saturday morning cartoon creations, you're not only giving children less credit than they deserve, you're robbing them of what could have been a fascinating experience.  Come to think of it, the filmmakers have made another inexplicably bad decision when it comes to the talking dinosaurs -  THEY NEVER SHUT UP!!  Not once.  Ever.  It's like the movie is afraid that if it has a single quiet moment, or allows us to think for ourselves, it has somehow failed us.  And so the voices yammer constantly, despite the fact the mouths never move.  And when the voices are not droning away, the movie will throw in a pop song on the soundtrack.  It all adds up to a stupefyingly dumb children's movie, and one of the worst times I've had at the theater this year.

But before we even get to the obnoxious dinosaurs, we're treated to a pointless live action sequence that bookends the film.  In it, a paleontologist (Karl Urban) is taking his young niece and nephew on a fossil expedition in Alaska.  The nephew (Charlie Rowe) is not interested in what his uncle has to teach him, and would rather mess with his hi-tech smartphone device.  But then, a talking bird (voiced by John Leguizamo) shows up, and decides to teach the kid that fossils can hold amazing stories behind them.  The bird then morphs into its CG prehistoric form (an Alexornis named Alex), and begins to tell us the story of a Pachyrinosaurus named Patchi (voice by Justin Long).  Not only is Patchi the runt of his litter, but he also has a hole in his head caused by a predator when he was very young.  This causes him to be constantly bullied and ridiculed by his bigger and stronger brother, Scowler (voice by Skyler Stone).  The plot sputters along to nowhere in particular as Patchi learns to stand up for himself, become stronger, and win the heart of the female dinosaur Juniper (voice by Tiya Sircar).

To cover up the fact that there is literally no plot or point to this film, the movie will occasionally pause the action to teach us some tidbits about the dinosaurs that we see in the movie.  Not only is this annoying, but the facts we learn are probably already known by the kids in the audience who are nuts about these creatures in the first place.  Take away this halfhearted attempt at educational content, and Walking with Dinosaurs pretty much loses all reason for existing.  I'm aware that the film is based on a popular documentary that played on TV in the late 90s.  Its goal was to give us a recreation of what life must have been like for these creatures back then.  This movie betrays that goal by not only having the dinosaurs talk, but to have them talk about things that didn't even exist in their time!  When brave little Patchi tells Juniper that he is as stealthful as a ninja, my immediate question was how does he even know what a ninja is?

I know, I know, this is a movie intended for very small children, and I shouldn't be nitpicking little details like that.  I couldn't help it, though.  The movie gave me absolutely nothing to think about while I was watching it.  It's been written at such an insultingly juvenile level by screenwriter John Collee (Happy Feet), I think even some older kids will be bored by what's up on the screen.  The whole thing has been written on a very basic level, and while kids under the age of 8 may like the dinos and the bright colors, they are likely to learn even more about their favorite creatures just by cracking open a book, or spending 15 minutes on a website.  At least there, the kids won't be bombarded with fart jokes and pop culture.

Walking with Dinosaurs has its heart in the right place, but the brain is completely absent.  This is one of the dumbest movies I've seen all year, and easily the worst animated film to hit in 2013.  Sure, the photo-realistic movement of the dinosaurs can be kind of fun to watch at times, but the non-stop annoying voices drown out any wonder the movie might have held.  When it comes home on DVD, this may be the rare movie that's helped by the presence of the Mute button on your remote.

See the movie times in your area or buy the DVD at Amazon.com!

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