I, Frankenstein

It's been a long time since I've seen a movie as ugly, loud, and inept as I, Frankenstein.  Don't let the film's title trick you into thinking that it's an in-depth look into the mind of the famous mad scientist, or some kind of new spin on the classic tale by Mary Shelly.  Heck, the good Dr. Frankenstein is barely in the thing at all.  Rather, this is the story about his Monster, played here by Aaron Eckhart (usually a reliable actor, but here he gives a performance destined to be remembered at next year's Razzie Awards), and how he got sucked into a battle between gargoyles and demons.

As the film opens, we get a brief recap of the famous Frankenstein story, told from the point of view of the Monster.  We learn how the mad scientist spent his life hunting down his creation, until he eventually froze to death in the arctic.  The Monster buries his creator in the family cemetery, and mere seconds after this happens, a pack of demons suddenly attack the creature.  He manages to fight off some, but he eventually succumbs to his wounds and falls.  That's when some stone gargoyles come to life, and finish off the demons.  Once the battle is won, the gargoyles take the form of humans, and inspect the Monster's body, only to learn that he still lives.  And yes, one of the gargoyles actually says "It's Alive!  It's Alive!" at this discovery.

The gargoyles take the Monster to the cathedral that they call home, where they introduce him to their queen, Leonore (Miranda Otto), who fills him and us, the audience, on what's going on.  It seems that the gargoyles and demons have been waging a secret war amongst humans for centuries, though the reasons for said war are murky at best.  All we do know is that the gargoyles (who sometimes appear as lame CG stone monsters, but usually appear in human form to cut down on special effects) are the good guys, while the demons (who sometimes appear as human actors, but usually appear as human actors with rubber monster masks on over their heads) are trying to build an army of evil in order to destroy humanity.  Leonore gives the Monster the name of Adam, and invites him to join in their battle.

Flash forward some 200 years, and the battle still rages on, with Adam in the middle of it.  It's here that we learn that the Prince of the Demons, Naberius (Bill Nighy), is posing as a businessman of some sort, and has enlisted human scientists to help him reanimate dead lifeforms.  His scientists are currently working on reviving dead rats, but he has a whole basement full of dead bodies that he wants to experiment on, so he can bring them back to life and create an army of evil.  Adam befriends a pretty young scientist named Terra (Yvonne Strahovski), and convinces her to join him in trying to find the lost journal of Dr. Frankenstein, which holds the secret to reanimating the dead that Naberius is looking for.  The search for the journal consists of a lot of increasingly mindless action sequences, each one shot in such dark and murky colors, so that we often have no idea what is supposed to be happening.

I, Frankenstein is a grim and creatively bankrupt film from which no joy emanates.  Not even the actors seem to be enjoying themselves up on the screen.  There's a sense of gloom that hangs over this production, and not all of it is intentional.  It's the kind of gloom you sense when talented actors know they're trapped in a turkey.  So what are people like Eckhart, Nighy, and Otto doing here?  Oh, how I wish I knew.  The movie is deadly dull, takes itself far too seriously, and is frequently ugly to look at.  Writer-director Stuart Beattie draws some interest with his initial idea of Frankenstein's Monster still being alive all this time, but he refuses to take advantage of it, and instead throws us in the middle of a generic monster battle where we don't care about either side.  It's also hard to follow the story, thanks to some glaring editing, which makes it feel like whole chunks of the film have been removed.  Given the violent nature of the film, and the PG-13 rating, I imagine a lot has been left out.

Even in these dreary days of January, there are movies out there that are brighter, funnier, and more imaginative than this.  I, Frankenstein is the worst movie playing in cinemas right now.  And no, I have not forgotten that The Legend of Hercules and Devil's Due are still out there.

See the movie times in your area or buy the DVD at Amazon.com!

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