Ted 2

In a year that has already brought us watered down and unnecessary sequels to Hot Tub Time Machine and Paul Blart: Mall Cop, Seth McFarlane has decided to bring us a watered down and unnecessary sequel to his surprise 2012 comedy smash about a foul-mouthed teddy bear, Ted 2.  Much like his comedy flop from last year, A Million Ways to Die in the West, McFarlane shows no sense of plot, character development or coherency here.  He simply regurgitates old gags from his Family Guy TV show, throws in a few 1980s movie references, puts a CG teddy bear in the middle of it all, and expects the audience to laugh.

I was not exactly a fan of the original Ted movie, but I can see why it appealed to audiences.  It was a clever idea, and while it didn't quite work for me, it wasn't without its charms.  The thing is, it was a one-joke movie.  And whenever a one-joke movie spawns a sequel, it can't help but feel like a desperate cash grab, which is definitely the case here.  The film reunites us with overgrown man-child, John (Mark Wahlberg), and his best friend, a sentient teddy bear named Ted (voiced by McFarlane) who came to life because of a wish John made back when he was a little boy.  John has become depressed, because his wife from the first movie has since divorced him (Mila Kunis, who played his love interest in the first film, could not return due to a pregnancy), so he now sits around the apartment all day addicted to internet porn.  As for Ted, he marries his prostitute-turned grocery store check out gal girlfriend, Tami-Lyn (Jessica Barth), and prepares for wedded bliss.

After a rather pointless opening credit sequence where Ted dances on top of a wedding cake in the style of a 1930s Hollywood musical that goes on way too long, we catch up with the characters one year later.  John is still in a funk, and Ted and Tami-Lyn are now constantly fighting, nearly broke, and on the verge of divorce.  Ted decides that the best way to save their marriage is to have a child together.  Because, you know, when you have no money, the best solution is to add a kid to the mix.  Since Ted is not an anatomically correct toy, they need a sperm donor.  After some hijinks involving semen, Ted and Tami-Lyn ultimately decide to adopt, but find they cannot, because apparently the government feels that since Ted is a teddy bear, he is considered property and not a person, and so therefore cannot legally adopt.  Their marriage is annulled also because of this, and Ted even loses his job. 

John and Ted decide to fight the government's ruling, and take the case to court to fight for Ted's right to be considered truly alive.  This introduces us to John's new love interest, a young lawyer named Samantha (Amanda Seyfried), who instantly starts a connection with the two guys because she enjoys smoking pot as much as they do.  We get some lengthy courtroom scenes, and even some scenes that I think McFarlane intends to be sympathetic and serious, but just end up being inept and out of touch with any human emotion.  We also get a worthless subplot tied to a returning villain from the first movie (Giovanni Ribisi), a weirdo who wants to cut Ted open so he can figure out what makes him alive.  While the initial premise of a talking teddy bear fighting for his right to be seen as human in the eyes of the law has the potential for some laughs, the screenplay by McFarlane, Alec Sulkin, and Wellesley Wild misses almost every opportunity.  It constantly aims for the lowest humor it can think of, including spilled semen, soiled diapers, and smoking weed.

The thing is, McFarlane usually comes across as an intelligent person in interviews.  It feels like he's selling himself short with Ted 2, or aiming lower than he should.  I don't go into a movie about a booze-swigging, pot smoking teddy bear expecting high brow laughs, but the movie still feels like it aims lower than it should.  It also repeats the same gags over and over, as if it thinks we missed the joke the first time.  A joke about internet searches is repeated three times during the film, with the same punch line each time.  The movie also frequently mistakes doing remakes of scenes from 1980s movies, only with a CG teddy bear, as being funny.  We get references to The Breakfast Club, Revenge of the Nerds, Planes, Trains & Automobiles, and even Jurassic Park.  And yet, none of them draw laughs, because they're simply reenactments of other films.  It's not spoofing or parodying these movies or scenes, just recreating them.

Even a movie that stars a talking teddy needs some kind of human element, something we can attach or relate to.  Ted 2 offers none, because nobody is allowed to act like a human being.  This turns deadly during the last half hour, when the movie suddenly expects us to take these characters seriously and feel for them.  If the comedy is repetitive and lame, then the dramatic moments are a total wash out.  McFarlane's style of comedy is better suited to the half hour cartoon shows that he does, rather than to live action features that run for an overlong two hours.  He likes to use black out gags, and have his characters be the butts of his immature jokes.  That's fine in small doses, but in a big screen feature, it feels like overkill.  There is no structure or substance to the story McFarlane wants to tell here.  And when he can't think of anything for his characters to do, he has Amanda Seyfried pick up a guitar for no reason, and sing a long and pointless ballad in one scene.

I know that McFarlane is capable of much better than what's on display here, but he chooses not to be.  In a way, he's not far removed from Adam Sandler, who can also be smart when he wants to, but instead chooses to play dumber than he needs to.  If his last two films are any indication, Seth McFarlane simply wants to have a good time making movies, but he forgets that his audience wants to have fun also. 


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