Norm of the North

Just by looking at Norm of the North, you can tell that this is a particularly lazily drawn CG animated film.  It just barely looks better than TV animation, with stiff movements and character designs that look like basic first drafts that would have been rejected by just about any other major animation studio.  And just by listening to the dialogue, you can tell that screenwriters Daniel Altiere, Steven Altiere, and Malcolm T. Goldman were paid way too much for their effort.

The plot centers around a polar bear named Norm, who is voiced by an unenthusiastic Rob Schneider, who reads his lines as if he's planning to make a break out of the recording studio as soon as he's handed his paycheck.  Norm is a gentle soul with a lot of issues.  He doesn't like to hunt, nobody in the arctic takes him seriously, and he is ridiculed by his own family.  One day, a wise bird named Socrates (voice by Bill Nighy) clues Norm in that an evil real estate tycoon named Mr. Greene (Ken Jeong, who with Ride Along 2 and this, is pulling double bad movie duty in a single weekend) is planning to build a community of condos in their arctic home.  Norm realizes that it's up to him to put a stop to this, and decides to make his way to New York City, where Greene's corporate headquarters is located.  He is accompanied on his journey by three little lemmings, who act and talk like the low budget road show version of the Minions from the Despicable Me movies.  Their main purpose in the film is not to act as Norm's sidekicks, but rather to fill the movie with more bathroom humor than it needs, as they happen to enjoy relieving themselves on just about anything and anyone.

Once in New York, Norm befriends Greene's personal assistant, Vera (Heather Graham), and gets a job working as the spokesperson for the arctic condo project.  Norm plans to take down the operation from the inside, but he seems to get sidetracked a lot.  First, he becomes a local celebrity, because he likes to do a little dance he calls the "Arctic Shuffle".  Then, he makes friends with Vera's brilliant young daughter, Olympia (Maya Kay), who is worried that her mom's condo project will hurt the natural landscape and Norm's habitat.  Finally, Norm finds out that Mr. Greene is keeping his long-lost Grandpa (Colm Meaney) in a cage in a secret underground room in his corporate headquarters.  Why is Mr. Greene keeping Norm's grandfather (who disappeared years ago) locked in a cage in a hidden room?  Honestly, I kept on waiting for the movie to answer that question, and it never does.  It just doesn't make any sense.

But then, there's a lot in Norm of the North that doesn't make any sense.  We learn early on that Norm is a special polar bear, because he can "speak human".  Not only can he talk to people, but they can understand him.  Now, I don't so much have a problem with a talking polar bear.  It's a cartoon, after all.  What made me curious is how everyone keeps on referring to it as "speak human".  Does that mean speak English?  If it does, those are two completely different things.  If Norm can indeed "speak human", then that would mean he would be fluent in just about every language known to man.  I don't know, maybe he is.  We never get to see him interact with anyone outside of the United States, and even then, they all speak English.  And all of Norm's animal friends also speak English, although apparently Norm is the only one people can hear and understand for some reason.  Right now, you're thinking I'm putting too much thought into this, and I probably am.  But, this proves why animated films should not try to explain why an animal is talking.  When it's a cartoon, we just kind of are programmed to accept it.

Besides, I probably wouldn't have thought so much about it if the movie wasn't so mind numbingly boring.  Even with a running time that barely hits 90 minutes, the filmmakers seem to be at a loss as to how to stretch the story they're telling.  So, whenever they're at a loss, they have the bear dance to some forgettable pop song, or they have the lemming characters slap each other around, act like super spies, or go to the bathroom on something.  This feels like a project that just went horribly wrong somewhere along the line.  I'm sure everyone involved had good intentions.  Nobody sets out to make a bad movie, after all.  But this is quite possibly the blandest and most confused piece of kid's entertainment I have seen in a long time.  Will kids even like this?  Maybe really, really little kids.  If you're over six, you're probably pushing your luck.

Parents would be advised to hold out for Kung Fu Panda 3, which is only two weeks away, and is almost guaranteed to be better than this in just about every way.  Norm of the North would have struggled if it had been released straight to DVD.  On the big screen, it just kind of looks pathetic.

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