Zoolander 2

Zoolander 2 is not worse than Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (my pick for the worst film of 2015), but it is just as bad, and that's bad enough.  This is a stunningly awful career move on the part of Ben Stiller, who not only stars in this, but also directed, co-wrote and produced it.  It couldn't be more damaging to his film career if it had been made by someone who secretly hated him, and wanted to sabotage his career.

This movie has rounded up a lot of good talent, and then goes out of its way to either embarrass them, or give them little to do.  Returning from the original Zoolander movie from 2001 (which I enjoyed) are Stiller, Owen Wilson and Will Ferrell.  New to the cast are Penelope Cruz and Kirsten Wiig, neither of whom get to stand out in any way.  And then there are the cameos.  I'd wager to say a good part of the entertainment and fashion world gave up part of their time to participate in this.  In terms of cameos, off the top of my head, I can name Billy Zane, Benedict Cumberbatch, Justin Bieber, Kiefer Sutherland, Susan Sarandon, Katy Perry, Macaulay Culkin, John Malkovich, Sting, Willie Nelson, M.C. Hammer, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Susan Boyle, Tommy Hilfiger and Marc Jacobs to name a small few.  Again, none of these walk-on celebrities are given anything to do.  We're just supposed to laugh at the fact that they showed up in this movie, I guess.  It plays like the movie is getting desperate with itself.  It knows it's not funny, so it tries to distract us with a clown car full of former and present celebrities.  Not only do I hate it when movies do this, but it makes no sense to me.

So, it's been 15 years since the last movie, and this sequel is set 10 years after the last.  The plot finds dim-witted male model Derek Zoolander (Stiller) living in isolation after a series of tragedies caused the death of his wife, and him losing his son to child services.  He vows that he will never model again, until good friend Billy Zane tracks him down to deliver his mail, and convinces him to rejoin the modeling world.  Derek arrives in Rome, only to be reunited with former friend and rival male model, Hansel (Owen Wilson), who is going through some personal problems also back home, and was tracked down by Billy Zane to, etc. etc.  Both men have been reunited for a special purpose, as it turns out their skills are once again needed for another international mission.  This time, someone is killing off all the young male pop music idols.  Not only that, but it also seems that the life of Derek's long-lost son (who is living at an orphanage in Rome) is also in danger from whatever evil force is at work.  Our heroes are paired up with Valentina Valencia (Penelope Cruz), a "fashion police" agent who works with Interpol.  Ultimately, the story hangs on a bunch of famous people in the fashion world wanting to perform an ancient ritual that will lead them to the literal Fountain of Youth.

The plot is not really the issue in Zoolander 2.  It's everything else.  There is simply no excuse for professionals like the names I mentioned above being involved with a movie this wrong-headed and idiotic.  Yes, I know, the first movie was stupid, but it still knew how to have fun with itself and generate real laughs.  This sequel feels like a bunch of people have been gathered together, even though they don't want to be there.  They put on game faces and they try to make us laugh, but the screenplay foils their attempt at every turn by being as juvenile and unfunny as possible.  This is an appallingly tone deaf comedy that tries to get laughs out of the dumbest things possible.  Example: Talented comic actress, Kristen Wiig, shows up as a fashion designer named Alexanya Atoz.  Rather than give her anything to do in the movie, or to give her any smart or funny dialogue, the movie simply has her walking around in some hideous clothes, and has her speak all of her lines in a "funny" made up accent.  Why?  Why cast Wiig, and then not rely on her comic strengths?  Her appearance here feels completely pointless, as does everyone else who sets foot in front of the camera.

Even though Ben Stiller is the lead creative force behind the project, he has even forgotten to give himself anything interesting to do.  He's simply giving a pale imitation of the same performance he gave back in 2001.  His heart is clearly not in it, and there are even moments where he looks lost up there on the screen.  His main job as director must have been to simply yell "action" and "cut" on the set, because everybody in this movie just looks confused.  Stiller and Wilson have acted alongside each other many times, and have shown wonderful chemistry, but you wouldn't know that here.  Will Ferrell seems to consider his return as the maniacal fashion designer, Mugatu, as a favor.  These are all talented actors and comics who are cast adrift by a script that reads like it was an unfinished first draft, and now everyone is up on the screen improvising and flailing about to make it work.  The movie is a sinking ship that takes everyone down with it.  There are no survivors.

I didn't exactly have the highest of hopes for Zoolander 2, but I never imagined that it would be this inept and lazy.  It's one of those movies that give you a sinking feeling almost from the first scene, and then only gets worse as it goes on.  I can only hope that everyone involved recovers from this experience.  They probably will before I do.

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