Underwater

Here is another creatively bankrupt movie that suggests if there is intelligent undiscovered life out there, it's slimy, has lots of tentacles and teeth, and exists only to chow down on hapless humans who happen to venture into their path.  Underwater is not unwatchable, and holds no illusions about being anything other than a B-Movie creature feature.  But why does it have to follow the rules of the genre so rigidly to the point that it loses all reason for existing?

And is anyone still thrilled by movies that are built solely around human actors wandering around in the dark until a CG creature suddenly pops out of the shadows and screams at them?  Let's stop and think for a moment here.  This is a movie about an ill-fated crew of aquatic researchers who discover that there is a race of monsters living deep in the depths of the ocean.  And yet, the movie never pauses for a second to create any wonder or acknowledge that this is an incredible discovery.  You would think there would at least be some kind of excitement or curiosity when they first discover this new life form.  But no, the movie has no time for that.  It doesn't want to create an air of mystery or intrigue.  It simply wants to imitate other movies like Alien.  On that level, I guess the movie could be labeled a success.  But I've seen better imitations, and let's face it, so have you.

Have you ever wondered what the alien monsters who serve as the villains in these type of movies do all day when the people are not around for them to threaten?  The creatures here have no means of communication, other than to shriek really loud when one of the human's flashlights shines on their face.  They don't seem to have any kind of culture, society, or hierarchy.  They simply swim about in shadowy waters, hoping that someone will come along so that they can leap out from behind something and scream at them.  Do they spend all their time practicing their technique?  I picture these creatures simply killing an entire day by darting from rock to rock, keeping to the darkness, and then leaping out and screaming at nothing.  Why do so many screenwriters find these kind of monsters fascinating?  Wouldn't it be more fun to write a script that actually gives these creatures something to think, say or do?  Or at least create some mystery about their world?

Underwater is so by the numbers that even the human characters are stock for this kind of movie.  We have the loner hero with a haunted past (Kristen Stewart), the stoic Captain of the crew (Vincent Cassel), the sarcastic wise guy (T.J. Miller), and the frightened new member of the team (Jessica Henwick).  There are also roles for John Gallagher Jr and Mamoudou Athie, who exist simply to be placed in peril as quickly as possible.  They are all part of an underwater drilling expedition, and find themselves in a dire situation when an earthquake destroys most of their vessel.  That's when they discover that "something is out there", and in horror movie fashion, it's a society of slimy beasts who are hungry, and seem to have the I.Q. of tater tots.  The movie wastes no time, and jumps right to the situation at hand in the opening moments.  But, if you're not going to waste much time with the set up, you need to really nail the execution.

This movie doesn't even come close.  It never attempts anything new or interesting, and never creates a real sense of tension.  It simply recycles scenes from other movies just like it where the characters wander through dark hallways, encounter monsters, and survive a series of disasters like the oxygen is running low in their helmet while exploring the waters, or there's no way to radio for help.  All the while, the mechanical music score drones endlessly in the background in a vain effort to create an air of suspense.  This movie doesn't even know how to use its claustrophobic settings and dark lighting to create fear.  It plays like one of those workman jobs that is professionally done, but there is just nothing that stands out about it.  It's content to exist, and I guess we're supposed to be proud of that.

Underwater was filmed three years ago, and has been sitting on the studio shelf until being unceremoniously dumped into theaters in the dire month of January.  That alone should tell you the quality of the film at hand, and why you don't need to rush out to see it. 

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