The Munsters

Though known for working in the violent horror genre, musician and filmmaker Rob Zombie has supposedly been trying to break out, and do something more mainstream for a while.  So, I'm sure the opportunity to do this update of the beloved sitcom The Munsters (of which Zombie is reportedly a massive fan) was a thrill for him.  Whether the end result will thrill audiences is a completely different matter.

Oh, there are plenty of Easter Eggs and references of the original series for fans to pick up on, but that's about all the enjoyment most will get here, and I doubt this sluggish and aimless family film will appeal much to kids.  The movie features next to no plot as it jumps from one pointless scene to the next, a low budget look that makes your local small town spookhouse look like a multi-million dollar extravaganza, and performances that are more grating than funny.  Throw in a running time that edges close to two hours, and you have an endless and dreary experience.  You can see what Zombie is going for, but every attempt at fun is mishandled at best, and off putting at worst.

The film serves as a prequel to the original series, and tells the story of how Herman Munster (Jeff Daniel Phillips, speaking with an annoying high-pitched whine for some reason) was created, and eventually fell in love with the vampire Lily (Sheri Moon Zombie).  We learn that Herman was created by mad scientist Dr. Henry Augustus Wolfgang (Richard Brake) in order to create the perfect human specimen out of body parts, as in Frankenstein.  However, his incompetent henchman Floop (Jorge Garcia) grabbed the wrong brain, and instead of the intellect that the Doctor wanted, he ended up putting in the brain of a second-rate stand up comedian.  Thus, Herman is born, and becomes a TV celebrity.

As soon as Lily catches Herman's act on TV, it's love at first sight, much to the disappointment of her father, The Count (Daniel Roebuck), who wants her to marry into money. (Early on, he tries to hook her up with a Nosferatu lookalike.) So, the movie's going to be about how they become a family, and Herman's attempts to win over Lily's father, right?  I thought so too, but then the movie switches gears, and throws in a plot about how one of the Count's former lovers, a Gypsy named Zoya (Catherine Schell), wants revenge for breaking her heart, and enlists Lily's werewolf brother Lester (Tomas Boykin) to cheat them out of their home.  While all this is happening, we get to witness Herman and Lily's whirlwind romance, which include a tour of the sewers of Paris, and a scene where they dress up like Sonny and Cher, and sing, "I've Got You Babe". (Yes.) 

Zombie shows no sense of plotting or pacing with his take of The Munsters, as he is constantly being sidetracked or distracted with other things.  Yes, he faithfully recreates the show's look (though with garish colors, when black and white like the original would have been preferred) and corny humor, but nothing really lands.  Fans of the show will probably also be disappointed to learn that the family don't move into their famous home on 1313 Mockingbird Lane until the final 15 minutes of the movie.  Zombie has gone through great trouble to recreate the original home, but since we barely get to see it, you have to wonder why.  Equally mystifying is how the movie never seems to settle on a central plot.  It keeps on introducing conflicts and story arcs, then drops them with hardly a resolution.

Despite the extended running time, it feels like there's a lot missing from the final film.  It's not that I wanted to see more, it just can't be denied that the film as a whole feels largely unsatisfying and unfinished.  And yet, it also oddly feels far too long at the same time, due to the fact that the movie never settles on a plot it wants to attach itself to, and how dragged out many scenes are.  I'm just glad the movie is being released to streaming, where you can stop when necessary.  Trapping an audience in a theater to watch this without interruption would have been cruel.  When you consider the passion that Zombie has for this franchise, it's kind of shocking how witless and dull this is.  There's just not the sense of joy one would expect.

I'll admit my hopes were not exactly high, but I wanted to give this a chance, and I was genuinely curious how the director would play in the PG-rated family-friendly arena.  He seems to be trying to make the most of the limited budget he was given here, but at the same time, he can't escape the fact that he has no story to tell, and a comedic and acting tone that came across like nails on a chalkboard to me. 

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