80 for Brady

80 for Brady is not a bad movie, but rather a dead one.  Bad movies can be lively and fun to watch sometimes.  This simply lacks a single ounce of inspiration.  It didn't need to be made, and nobody needs to see it.  You know a movie isn't working when you start checking your watch.  You know a movie is dead when you start to think your watch has stopped.

The movie centers on four best friends in their 70s and 80s who have been given names and are played by veteran actresses, but possess no real connection, either to each other or to the audience.  Lou (Lily Tomlin) is their ringleader, Trish (Jane Fonda) writes erotic fiction, Maura (Rita Moreno) is looking for love, and Betty (Sally Field) has a husband who is so dimwitted, he can't do anything without her, not even remember to put on pants in the morning.  Their main connection is a shared love for the New England Patriots, and in particular, Tom Brady, who also produced the film.  They decide that they should go to the Super Bowl together to watch Brady and the Patriots play.  Lou is able to score tickets from a contest, and they go to the game together.

I'm not kidding when I tell you the movie really is that simple.  Naturally, there's tons of filler to make up the 100 minute running time, but none of it is interesting in the slightest.  First they have to break one of them out of a nursing home, then they win some bets against some cocky young guys, then one of them competes in a spicy hot wings eating contest, then they get to attend a fancy party, then they lose their tickets, then it turns out the tickets are fake anyway, then they con their way into the big game, and end up helping the Patriots win, and wind up in the winning locker room with Brady himself.  I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm spoiling the movie, but it's hard to spoil something that never bothers to get to anything resembling a point in the first place.

The film is inspired by a true story of four elderly die-hard Patriots fans who attended the Super Bowl together in 2017.  Watching this, I couldn't help but think a documentary on the real women would be so much more interesting.  At least they would have been real people with personalities, and not be forced to get into sitcom-style situations, such as when the ladies here have to pass themselves off as dancers in the Halftime Show.  This movie is a complete and total dead zone that never once rises to any level of purpose.  You don't gather four veteran actors together, then give them nothing to do.  You write jokes for them, and you give them scenes where they interact with each other in meaningful ways.  You don't trap them in a witless and lifeless vanity project such as this.

I'm going back through 80 for Brady in my head, and searching for a single moment that stands out -- A performance, or maybe a line of dialogue.  If I think of something, this won't be the end of the review. 

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