Reel Opinions


Sunday, January 27, 2008

Meet the Spartans

When you think about it, calling Meet the Spartans a full length feature is funnier than any of the jokes that appear in the film itself. The movie itself runs just barely over an hour. To make up for this fact, filmmakers Jason Friedberg and Adam Seltzer stretch out the closing credits to ridiculous lengths. The credits routinely stop, so the movie can cut away to a good 10 or 15 minutes worth of deleted scenes or alternate takes on scenes from the film. This way, the movie can be credited as running for 85 minutes or so, instead of the 70 minutes it actually runs. Don't get me wrong, I definitely didn't want to see more of this movie. It's just as the credits kept on going and routinely stopping, Meet the Spartans started to resemble an obnoxious houseguest who just didn't know how to take a hint and leave you alone.

The stuff that comes before the ending credits can be pretty obnoxious, too. Meet the Spartans is intended to be a direct parody of last year's 300, and was most likely rushed into production the moment the opening weekend numbers for that movie came in. It shows in just about every aspect. The dubbing of the film's dialogue is occasionally off, the sets are cheap, and the screenplay was probably hammered out in an afternoon after a marathon session of television watching by the duo of Friedberg and Seltzer. For those of you who don't know, they're the guys who brought us Date Movie and Epic Movie. They like to do parodies of popular genres like romantic comedies or blockbusters, but always end up missing the point in the end. I naturally assumed that by narrowing their focus to just one movie instead of a genre, they might have an easier time hitting their target. If this movie proves anything, they couldn't hit a target if it was an inch away from them. It doesn't help that 300 has already been parodied to death on the Internet, comics, and the like. Meet the Spartans may resemble an obnoxious houseguest, but the guys behind the movie resemble a pathetic stand up comic telling year-old jokes to an audience who just couldn't care less.

The movie is more or less a run-through of 300's plot, only with amateurish humor and TV pop culture references thrown in. Leonidas (British TV actor Sean Maguire) must lead his army of Spartan warriors against the invading Persian army, led by the overweight Xerxes (Ken Davitian from Borat). Leonidas wants 300 soldiers, but his Captain (Kevin Sorbo) can only round up 13. They try their luck anyway, and ultimately battle their way to glory, while at the same time being completely oblivious to their blatant homosexuality. (They hold hands and skip off to battle while singing "I Will Survive".) Back at home, Leonidas' wife, Queen Margo (Carmen Electra) must prevent the appropriately named Traitoro (Diedrich Bader) from convincing the Spartans left behind into giving in and surrendering to the Persians. Along the way, for no good reason, we are bombarded with a variety of pop culture references that include movies (Spider-Man 3, Shrek the Third, Transformers, Happy Feet, Ghost Rider), television shows (Ugly Betty, Deal or No Deal, American Idol, The Apprentice), and celebrities (Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Ellen DeGeneres, Dane Cook, and Tom Cruise).

You know, I really want to be lazy and just re-write one of my reviews from one of their past films, only switching the words around in order to fit this one. After all, Meet the Spartans suffers from the exact same problems as Date Movie and Epic Movie. But, I take too much pride in my work to do that. Instead, I will devote the remainder of this review to some observations.

Observation 1 - If you're going to fill your movie with look-alikes of TV and movie celebrities, try to find people who actually look like the person they're supposed to be. When the three American Idol judges pop up to give their thoughts on Leonidas and his army, two of them don't look a thing like the people they're representing. Were they working with such a low budget they couldn't even hire decent look-alikes? Many of the celebrity impersonators play multiple roles throughout the film, and it's largely a mixed bag, which gives the movie an overall vibe that the filmmakers truly don't give a damn, as long as they can sucker some money out of bored teenagers.

Observation 2 - I want to perform an experiment with you. Try to think of the last funny joke you heard. Maybe it still made you laugh, but most likely, you didn't laugh as hard as the first time around. Now, I want you to keep on repeating that joke to yourself until you're just not laughing anymore. How many times did it take? What's the point of this experiment? I want to give you the feeling of watching Meet the Spartans, which routinely repeats the same gag a good 5 or 6 times during the course of the film, as if the movie thinks we didn't get it the first time around. By doing this experiment, you save yourself the price of a theater ticket and a good 70 minutes or so of your time, and still get the same experience as if you were sitting in a theater watching this movie.

Observation 3 - This movie creates a new low in product placement. Disguise your product placement as a parody of an actual commercial for the product! Of course, by parody, I mean recreate the commercial word for word, only having the actors holding up said product. (Budweiser beer, Krispy Kreme donuts, Dentyne Ice gum, Gatorade, take your pick.) That way, you can disguise it as humor, and the corporate sponsors still get their products mentioned in your film. I shudder to think of the imitators this method will inspire.

Observation 4 - It's not enough to reference every movie and TV show under the sun. You have to pretend your audience have been living in caves the past year, and awkwardly mention what it is you're supposed to be referencing in your dialogue. If a character makes a reference to the TV show Heroes, make sure you tell them it's supposed to be from that show in your next line of dialogue. If you're spoofing American Idol, make there's a giant sign with the show's logo nearby for the two people in the audience who have never heard of the show. Whenever a celebrity impersonator show up, make sure the first thing out of their mouths is saying who they're supposed to be. Remember, we are not sophisticated enough for the biting humor of Friedberg and Seltzer. They must hold our hands throughout, in case we are floored by their acute observations on pop culture.

Do I really need to say anymore? If you're still considering seeing this movie after reading this, you have my blessings and my condolences. I can only hope someday you will find something better to do with your time, but until then, enjoy Meet the Spartans.

See the movie times in your area or buy the DVD at Amazon.com!

2 comments

09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005
10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005
11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005
12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006
01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006
02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006
03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006
04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006
05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006
06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006
07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006
09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007
03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007
04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007
05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007
06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007
07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007
08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007
09/01/2007 - 10/01/2007
10/01/2007 - 11/01/2007
11/01/2007 - 12/01/2007
12/01/2007 - 01/01/2008
01/01/2008 - 02/01/2008
02/01/2008 - 03/01/2008
03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008
04/01/2008 - 05/01/2008
05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008
06/01/2008 - 07/01/2008
07/01/2008 - 08/01/2008
08/01/2008 - 09/01/2008
09/01/2008 - 10/01/2008
10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008
11/01/2008 - 12/01/2008
12/01/2008 - 01/01/2009
01/01/2009 - 02/01/2009
02/01/2009 - 03/01/2009
03/01/2009 - 04/01/2009
04/01/2009 - 05/01/2009
05/01/2009 - 06/01/2009
06/01/2009 - 07/01/2009
07/01/2009 - 08/01/2009
08/01/2009 - 09/01/2009
09/01/2009 - 10/01/2009
10/01/2009 - 11/01/2009
11/01/2009 - 12/01/2009
12/01/2009 - 01/01/2010
01/01/2010 - 02/01/2010
02/01/2010 - 03/01/2010
03/01/2010 - 04/01/2010
04/01/2010 - 05/01/2010
05/01/2010 - 06/01/2010
06/01/2010 - 07/01/2010
07/01/2010 - 08/01/2010
08/01/2010 - 09/01/2010
09/01/2010 - 10/01/2010
10/01/2010 - 11/01/2010
11/01/2010 - 12/01/2010
12/01/2010 - 01/01/2011
01/01/2011 - 02/01/2011
02/01/2011 - 03/01/2011
03/01/2011 - 04/01/2011
04/01/2011 - 05/01/2011
05/01/2011 - 06/01/2011
06/01/2011 - 07/01/2011
07/01/2011 - 08/01/2011
08/01/2011 - 09/01/2011
09/01/2011 - 10/01/2011
10/01/2011 - 11/01/2011
11/01/2011 - 12/01/2011
12/01/2011 - 01/01/2012
01/01/2012 - 02/01/2012
02/01/2012 - 03/01/2012
03/01/2012 - 04/01/2012
04/01/2012 - 05/01/2012
05/01/2012 - 06/01/2012
06/01/2012 - 07/01/2012
07/01/2012 - 08/01/2012
08/01/2012 - 09/01/2012
09/01/2012 - 10/01/2012
10/01/2012 - 11/01/2012
11/01/2012 - 12/01/2012
12/01/2012 - 01/01/2013
01/01/2013 - 02/01/2013
02/01/2013 - 03/01/2013
03/01/2013 - 04/01/2013
04/01/2013 - 05/01/2013
05/01/2013 - 06/01/2013
06/01/2013 - 07/01/2013
07/01/2013 - 08/01/2013
08/01/2013 - 09/01/2013
09/01/2013 - 10/01/2013
10/01/2013 - 11/01/2013
11/01/2013 - 12/01/2013
12/01/2013 - 01/01/2014
01/01/2014 - 02/01/2014
02/01/2014 - 03/01/2014
03/01/2014 - 04/01/2014
04/01/2014 - 05/01/2014
05/01/2014 - 06/01/2014
06/01/2014 - 07/01/2014
07/01/2014 - 08/01/2014
08/01/2014 - 09/01/2014
09/01/2014 - 10/01/2014
10/01/2014 - 11/01/2014
11/01/2014 - 12/01/2014
12/01/2014 - 01/01/2015
01/01/2015 - 02/01/2015
02/01/2015 - 03/01/2015
03/01/2015 - 04/01/2015
04/01/2015 - 05/01/2015
05/01/2015 - 06/01/2015
06/01/2015 - 07/01/2015
07/01/2015 - 08/01/2015
08/01/2015 - 09/01/2015
09/01/2015 - 10/01/2015
10/01/2015 - 11/01/2015
11/01/2015 - 12/01/2015
12/01/2015 - 01/01/2016
01/01/2016 - 02/01/2016
02/01/2016 - 03/01/2016
03/01/2016 - 04/01/2016
04/01/2016 - 05/01/2016
05/01/2016 - 06/01/2016
06/01/2016 - 07/01/2016
07/01/2016 - 08/01/2016
08/01/2016 - 09/01/2016
09/01/2016 - 10/01/2016
10/01/2016 - 11/01/2016
11/01/2016 - 12/01/2016
12/01/2016 - 01/01/2017
01/01/2017 - 02/01/2017
02/01/2017 - 03/01/2017
03/01/2017 - 04/01/2017
04/01/2017 - 05/01/2017
05/01/2017 - 06/01/2017
06/01/2017 - 07/01/2017
07/01/2017 - 08/01/2017
08/01/2017 - 09/01/2017
09/01/2017 - 10/01/2017
10/01/2017 - 11/01/2017
11/01/2017 - 12/01/2017
12/01/2017 - 01/01/2018
01/01/2018 - 02/01/2018
02/01/2018 - 03/01/2018
03/01/2018 - 04/01/2018
04/01/2018 - 05/01/2018
05/01/2018 - 06/01/2018
06/01/2018 - 07/01/2018
07/01/2018 - 08/01/2018
08/01/2018 - 09/01/2018
09/01/2018 - 10/01/2018
10/01/2018 - 11/01/2018
11/01/2018 - 12/01/2018
12/01/2018 - 01/01/2019
01/01/2019 - 02/01/2019
02/01/2019 - 03/01/2019
03/01/2019 - 04/01/2019
04/01/2019 - 05/01/2019
05/01/2019 - 06/01/2019
06/01/2019 - 07/01/2019
07/01/2019 - 08/01/2019
08/01/2019 - 09/01/2019
09/01/2019 - 10/01/2019
10/01/2019 - 11/01/2019
11/01/2019 - 12/01/2019
12/01/2019 - 01/01/2020
01/01/2020 - 02/01/2020
02/01/2020 - 03/01/2020
03/01/2020 - 04/01/2020
04/01/2020 - 05/01/2020
05/01/2020 - 06/01/2020
06/01/2020 - 07/01/2020
07/01/2020 - 08/01/2020
08/01/2020 - 09/01/2020
09/01/2020 - 10/01/2020
10/01/2020 - 11/01/2020
11/01/2020 - 12/01/2020
12/01/2020 - 01/01/2021
02/01/2021 - 03/01/2021
03/01/2021 - 04/01/2021
04/01/2021 - 05/01/2021
05/01/2021 - 06/01/2021
06/01/2021 - 07/01/2021
07/01/2021 - 08/01/2021
08/01/2021 - 09/01/2021
09/01/2021 - 10/01/2021
10/01/2021 - 11/01/2021
11/01/2021 - 12/01/2021
12/01/2021 - 01/01/2022
01/01/2022 - 02/01/2022
02/01/2022 - 03/01/2022
03/01/2022 - 04/01/2022
04/01/2022 - 05/01/2022
05/01/2022 - 06/01/2022
06/01/2022 - 07/01/2022
07/01/2022 - 08/01/2022
08/01/2022 - 09/01/2022
09/01/2022 - 10/01/2022
10/01/2022 - 11/01/2022
11/01/2022 - 12/01/2022
12/01/2022 - 01/01/2023
01/01/2023 - 02/01/2023
02/01/2023 - 03/01/2023
03/01/2023 - 04/01/2023
04/01/2023 - 05/01/2023
05/01/2023 - 06/01/2023

Powered by Blogger