What Happens in Vegas

Ashton Kutcher is a lot of things. He is an actor. He is married to Demi Moore. He may even be a nice guy if I ever got a chance to know him. One thing he is not, however, is a leading man for romantic comedies. What Happens in Vegas is a witless comedy that wants to have it both ways with Kutcher. It wants him to be a sleazy, gross slacker for most of the film, who likes to urinate in the sink and pour popcorn down his pants, then eat it. Then it suddenly asks him to do a total about face, be completely charming, and win over Cameron Diaz. I didn't buy it, and I didn't buy this movie.

This is yet another movie where two people start out hating each other, slowly start to get to know each other, and then fall in love. We're supposed to be happy when they do, but the problem is What Happens in Vegas does such a good job at making us hate these people that we don't want to see them get together. There is no explanation for the sudden change in both of their personalities. Kutcher starts the movie off as a slob, and Diaz starts the movie off as a shrieking harpy of a control freak. They're very harsh, unlikable people, and screenwriter Dana Fox (The Wedding Date) likes to remind us of this fact in scene after scene. Then the characters turn inexplicably sweet for absolutely no reason, other than the movie is over half way through, and it needs them to start warming up to each other. No one could warm up to these characters the way they're forced to behave for a majority of the running time. When they start getting close, it feels just as phony as the forced love they show to their marriage counselor (Queen Latifah) earlier in the film.

So, why are these two people together in the first place? Both are New Yorkers who find themselves in Vegas trying to forget their problems. Kutcher is Jack Fuller, a guy who just recently got fired from his dad's company. Diaz is Joy McNally, who's just been dumped by her fiance (Jason Sudeikis) at a surprise birthday party she tried to throw for him. They both arrive in Vegas with their respective best friends, and a computer glitch at the hotel they're both staying at accidentally books them in the same room. Jack and Joy initially want nothing to do with each other, but before they know it, they're both drunk and hanging all over each other. They wake up together in the same bed, and discover they married each other while they were hitting the town in a drunken stupor the night before. They agree to an immediate divorce, but things become complicated when Jack wins a $3 million jackpot on a slot machine with a quarter Joy gave him. Both want the money for themselves, so they go to court, and the Judge (Dennis Miller) decides that they have to live together for six months, get marriage counseling, and if they can stay together, they both get half of the three million.

Of course, they don't want half, they want all of it. So, they start setting up schemes and plans that will make it look like the other is being unfaithful or unwilling to make the relationship work. Joy starts sending some of her more slutty friends over to try to tempt Jack into an affair. He tries to be as gross and unruly as possible, and even tries to pass their relationship off as being abusive when he has his friends beat him up, hoping their counselor will believe Joy did it. They also try to drive each other crazy every chance they get. She hogs the bathroom all the time getting ready in the morning, so he retaliates by unscrewing the toilet seat lid off, so she falls into the water when she tries to sit down on it later. That scene in particular is odd, because we hear Joy falling into the toilet, and then Jack (who is lying on the couch) pulls the detached toilet seat out from under the couch, holding it up in the air victoriously. I wondered who he was holding the seat up to? Does he know there are cameramen in his apartment watching him? Of course, he has to hold the seat up in order for the audience to get the gag, but there was obviously a more natural and subtle way the film could have shown what happened, instead of having the character breaking the fourth wall and holding it up to us.

Here's another odd scene. Joy is trying to get a promotion at her job on the New York Stock Exchange, and her boss (Dennis Farina) invites Jack and her to the company retreat for the weekend. When Jack meets the boss, he learns that the boss' name is Richard Banger, and immediately comes to the conclusion that his name is actually "Dick Banger". Joy is horrified by his crude attempt at humor at first, until she realizes that her boss has an off color sense of humor, and immediately starts breaking out into hysterics. He loves the joke so much, he starts calling her husband "Jack Off" for the rest of the weekend. Soon, everyone at the retreat is calling Jack by the same name, as if it's a term of affection, and when Joy and him accept an award for best couple at the retreat, the crowd starts chanting "Jack Off" over and over. Of course, Mr. Banger is so delighted and taken by Jack's sense of humor that Joy eventually does get that promotion. If you're asking yourself what parallel universe the filmmakers hail from in which such a situation would even be considered remotely plausible, you're not alone.

It's at the retreat that Jack and Joy make their sudden switch in personalities, and start sharing moonlit walks with each other, sharing their personal feelings, and enjoying romantic dances to the theme song from Flashdance. Actually, right before then, Joy finds out that Jack coaches a Little League team. This has never been mentioned beforehand, nor is it ever spoken of again. It's just thrown in there to make this previously crude and disgusting man somewhat more personable. At least they had personalities when they were terrible people during the first half of the film. When the unexplained switch occurs, they both automatically turn into bland, romantic comedy cliches. Regardless, their respective best friends pretty much manage to stay the same throughout the picture. Rob Corddry plays Jack's friend, a sleazy and immature lawyer, while Lake Bell plays Diaz's best friend, who really serves no point in the film. Considering that Bell's last movie was the equally lame romantic comedy, Over Her Dead Body, I'd strongly advise she start being a bit more choosy with her projects.

I'd say What Happens in Vegas loses its edge and its nerve halfway through, but the movie doesn't have a lot of edge or nerve to start with. It's a movie about two screaming idiots who do very stupid and gross things to each other, until the screenplay decides for them that they should like each other. Cameron Diaz has been enjoyable in past comedic roles, it's a shame she has to play such a loud and unfunny personality here. As for Kutcher, he's better off playing the best friend character, not the romantic lead. This is an extremely wrong-headed and miscalculated film, and I'm honestly surprised that no one stood up during the making of the movie, and asked themselves, "Just what am I doing here"?

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