Killers
Let's start with the couple at the center of it all. We're supposed to feel a lot of things for these two people, and the twists and turns their lives take, but we never do. They've both been written with the thinnest of characterizations, and Heigl and Kutcher don't have the acting talents to bring these characters to life or make them interesting. It doesn't help that the movie gives them no reason to fall in love, other than a physical attraction. Their courtship is tossed aside in a brief music montage, and then it jumps ahead three years later to when they're married. It's not like the film's in a rush. It takes a good hour or so for the husband's secret past to make an unwelcome return. It simply can't think of anything interesting to say about these people.
Things kick off in France, where Heigl's character, Jen, is traveling with her boring parents. Her dad's an overly cautious guy who likes to point out exit rows on the airplane numerous times, and is obsessed with his daughter's safety. He's played by Tom Selleck, and it's nice to see him up on the big screen again. Too bad the character gives him little to do. Her mother is a hard-drinking lush played by Catherine O'Hara. Her sole joke is that she constantly has an alcoholic drink in her hand, even at inappropriate moments, and the glasses she drinks out of keep on getting bigger as the film goes on, to the point you think she buys her wine glasses at a novelty gag shop. Jen is upset, because she recently broke up with a boyfriend, and now she's stuck vacationing with her parents.
Also in France, we meet Spencer, which is Kutcher's role. He's a professional government assassin, and we get to see a little bit of his work as he sneaks aboard an ocean liner, and plants an explosive on a helicopter that's transporting a weapons dealer. Despite this, he still has time for a "Meet Cute" with Jen at the elevator of the hotel they're both staying at. They have dinner, talk a little, and before the night is done, he's ready to give everything up for her. He even tries to tell her the truth about him being a hit man, but she falls asleep from drinking too much before he can make his big reveal. Nonetheless, he drops out of the business, marries Jen, and the two move into a comfortable suburb filled with colorful neighbors who constantly pester them about bake sales and block parties. Because the entire neighborhood are played by recognizable character actors, we know they'll have a bigger role to play later on.
Up until now, Killers has been a middling little romantic comedy. It doesn't seem to be going anywhere, nor does it seem to be in a hurry to get to where its going. Our interest picks up when Spencer gets a call from his old boss on the C.I.A. (Martin Mull). He wants him back on the job. Before Spencer can find out any more information, the boss winds up dead, and there seems to be a hit out on Spencer. All of the previously friendly and wacky neighbors, it turns out, are trained killers who have been spying on them all this time. The plot details are murky at best. I wasn't entirely up on it all, or why the neighbors waited so long to reveal their true nature. There must have been plenty of opportunities for them to kill Spencer and Jen in the past. I was also confused as to why nobody in the neighborhood seems to notice what's going on. You'd think Jen and Spencer being chased down the street by gun-toting psychotics would bring some curious onlookers out of their homes.
None of this would matter if there were some genuine laughs to be had, but there's only a few throwaway one liners that I smiled at. The movie seems to become more forgettable as it goes along. None of the characters connect, and the constant bickering between Jen and Spencer, as well as their conversations on everything from Internet porn to home pregnancy tests does little to elicit laughter. I started to wonder what we're supposed to be feeling for these characters. The movie seems to have little clue, especially with Jen's character, who seems to change her personality in each scene. Sometimes she's a strong and confident women. Sometimes she's insecure and self-depreciating. And sometimes she's a shrieking and screaming wreck. She's whatever the screenplay requires her to be in the current scene. As for Spencer, you would think a guy who traveled the world would at least have some interesting things to talk about. But Kutcher plays him as a total bore.
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