Burlesque

What we have with Burlesque is a movie that cries out to be R-rated. With a title like this, it should be a sleazy, dopey, thrill. Instead, it's a neat and tidy little movie where everyone's really very nice (even the bad girl's not all that bad), there's absolutely no sex, and the world is a pretty cheerful little place where dreams come true everyday, and if you ever become homeless, that nice hunky guy who works at the burlesque bar (who is not gay, despite the fact he wears eyeliner on the job) will let you live in his apartment, and even let you sleep on his bed, while he takes the couch, because that's just the kind of guy he is.

Instead of the fun, raunchy movie we should have, we get a sanitized movie musical that's built as a vanity project for its star, Christina Aguilera. Much of the film's screen time is devoted to her singing one elaborate Broadway-style musical number after another, while the rest of the cast stand in the dark shadows, smiling, and nodding with approval. Aguilera plays Ali, a girl who gets tired of working at a dead end bar in a small dead end town as the film opens, and decides to take every bit of money she has to catch a bus to L.A. While hunting for various acting and singing jobs around town, Ali comes across a Burlesque club run by the lovely Tess (Cher, in her first acting role since 2003's Stuck on You). Ali is immediately smitten by the place, and the stage act, and wants to be a part of it. But Tess has too many financial problems on her mind. She's in danger of losing her club, and doesn't have time to pay much attention to this small town girl with big dreams. So, Ali decides to pose as a waitress, and starts working there undercover, studying the moves of the dancers up on stage every chance she gets.

Ali does not have to wait long for her big break. A hole in the line up needs to be filled when one of the girls gets pregnant. Ali auditions, and gets the job. Not long after that, the "bad girl" of the club, Nikki (Kristen Bell) shows up drunk, and Tess gives Ali her big number for the night. This proves to everyone that Ali has a powerful voice, and can bring the house down. It's also the first of many, many scenes that the movie devotes to nothing but Aguilera singing on the stage, while everyone else looks with approval. Ali becomes a singing star, and everyone else who works at the club pretty much gets shoved in the background, except for Tess and her gay best friend and business partner (Stanley Tucci). They have the money problems to deal with. There's also a love triangle for Ali to get involved in, as she finds herself torn between the kind and handsome bartender at the club (Cam Gigandet), and a millionaire who can offer her anything (Eric Dane).

The problem with Burlesque should be obvious, and no, it's not that the plot is made up completely of off the shelf cliches. The movie just doesn't have its mind in the gutter like it should. It's not sexy, it's not risky, and it's about as sharp and edgy as a butter knife. With its overblown, yet sanitized pop musical numbers (none of which are all that memorable), the movie starts to resemble 2001's Moulin Rouge, if it had been made for the "tween" Disney crowd. None of the characters get to have any real personality, though Tucci probably comes across as the most likable, since he at least gets to throw in a few humorous asides into his dialogue. Ali is a boring heroine to start with. She starts out as a small town girl with big dreams, but as soon as she becomes a star, the movie forgets that she's a character, and mainly just gives her one number to perform after another.

Regrettably, that's all the movie is - a showcase for Aguilera. We're denied the primal trashy pleasures that the film's title promise because of its star. Writer-director Steven Antin can't even hit the right notes when it comes to rivalry within the club. There's a subplot where Ali's sudden popularity upsets the former star of the show. We sit and wait for there to be some kind of standoff between the two women, but it never comes. They just exchange a few glances at each other backstage, and that's it. The former star gets fired by Tess, then comes back in the final scene and apologizes to everyone, getting her job back. Where's the tension? Where's the backstabbing? Where's the catty remarks we expect? How can a movie called Burlesque not understand that these elements are essential to such a character?

Will this movie have fans? Undoubtedly. In fact, I can expect it becoming a cult classic both with Aguilera and Cher fans, as well as bad movie lovers. I guess I just wanted more from my trashy entertainment. This is a movie that whistles a happy tune, when it should have been doing a dangerous dance of seduction.

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