Beastly

Here is the dumbest movie to hit theaters since last month's I Am Number Four. Coincidentally, both films just happen to star Alex Pettyfer. If doing both films back to back doesn't act as an argument to fire your agent, I don't know what does. It doesn't matter, though. Even if Beastly was filled with a top flight cast, they would still have to contend with this movie's awful script and dialogue.

The film is intended to be a modern day retelling of Beauty and the Beast, though it seems to be mostly inspired by the Disney version, and not the actual story. Writer-director Daniel Barnz has a lot of trouble updating the material. He struggles with character motivations, many of which make no sense in a modern light, but he has to stay true to the story we know. This leads to a lot of flimsy explanations, and character arcs that make little sense. Alex Pettyfer plays Kyle, a vain and popular student at a trendy private high school who has just become student council president by running on a campaign that seems to be based solely on, "Ugly people suck, but I'm pretty and rich, so vote for me". Kyle somehow wins a landslide victory with this approach, which angers the local school goth, Kendra (Mary-Kate Olsen), who is rumored to dabble in witchcraft. Those rumors turn out to be true, as she lays a curse on him when Kyle upsets her during his victory party that night, and transforms him into this film's version of a "beast".

The curse causes Kyle to lose all his hair, have tattoo markings all over his face and body, some scars, and metal rings down his nose. Kyle is horrified by his new appearance, but all I could think was his new look would probably win him quite a few friends in certain night clubs. Kendra was at least nice enough to let Kyle keep his chiseled pecs, which he gets to show off a number of times throughout the film, in the tradition of the werewolves from the Twilight movies. If she really wanted to torture Kyle, she would have made him fat and given him a bad case of acne. But, I digress. Kyle's dad (a TV anchorman who is just as vain and shallow as he is) locks his son away in an upscale house, with only a colorful Jamaican maid (Lisa Gay Hamilton) and a blind tutor (Neil Patrick Harris) for company. The tutor is one of those rare ones who doesn't actually teach Kyle anything. He just hangs around the house, making sarcastic quips, and speaking dialogue that sounds like it was ripped right out of a self help book. ("Beauty isn't about how other people see you, it's how you see yourself".)

There's a catch to Kyle's curse that I forgot to mention. He has to have a woman fall in love with him before a year is up, or else he will remain in his cursed form forever. Fortunately, Kyle's taken an interest to, and started stalking a nice, open minded young girl named Lindy (Vanessa Hudgens). The two used to know each other back when Kyle was a popular jerk, but Lindy doesn't recognize him in his new form for reasons the script doesn't bother to explain. I mean, if someone you had known for years showed up with their head shaved and tattoos on their face, you'd be surprised, but you would still recognize them, wouldn't you? Or maybe Kyle's curse works the same way how no one can tell Clark Kent is Superman in a business suit and glasses. Lindy's dad gets involved with some drug dealers, and fearing for her safety, he decides to let her live with Kyle, even though he has only known the guy for 10 seconds. I mean, okay, he's worried the drug dealers will kill his daughter, so he wants her to be safe. But, it still makes no sense why he would choose Kyle. The plot becomes even flimsier when the drug dealers are never seen or heard from ever again, and Lindy's life is never once placed in danger. It's all a contrivance to bring them together.

This is what Beastly is supposed to have been building toward. We're supposed to see Kyle change his ways for this girl he slowly falls in love with, and Lindy is supposed to see beyond his tattoos and scars for the good man he truly is. But the movie forgets to build a relationship between them. They don't really talk to each other, or spend real time getting to know each other. Sure, he takes her to the zoo late one night to talk a little bit about his childhood and his past with his cold dad, and he also builds her a fully stocked greenhouse (in record time, I might add) when he finds out she likes roses. But we never really get a sense as to why these two are drawn to each other. It doesn't help that the movie blows over a lot of their relationship with pointless montages, almost as if the filmmakers were in as much of a hurry to get to the ending as I was by that point. Another knock against the central relationship - Both Pettyfer and Hudgens can't sell their emotions, and lack the slightest chemistry together.

I saw Beastly in a nearly packed theater full of teenage girls, who all seemed to be quite involved in the romance unfolding up on the screen. So, if you're someone, or you know someone, who thinks Twilight is a great love story, you're sure to get more out of this movie than I did. If you're not, you shouldn't even bother. Having seen this movie, I sure wish I hadn't.

See the movie times in your area or buy the DVD at Amazon.com!

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