Conan the Barbarian

The new update of Conan the Barbarian does not want to entertain, tell a story, or introduce us to the world created by original author Robert E. Howard. It simply wants to be an endurance test, and splash as much blood, gore, decapitations, neck-breakings, cruelty, mud, and filth up on the screen as it can, until we literally want to go running for the nearest exit. This is a vile and contemptible film that wallows in nastiness and depression. If I ever meet anyone who says they found this to be a fun movie, I'll have to question their character.

Despite the almost total lack of plot, we do get some backstory at the beginning, which is narrated by Morgan Freeman, of all people. Mr. Freeman has lent his voice to a lot of narration in film, and I have a feeling he'll be wiping this from his credits as quickly as possible. We then cut to a savage and brutal battlefield, where a female Barbarian is in labor as she lies dying right there in the middle of battle. Her husband, Corin (Ron Perlman), helps his dying wife deliver the child, slaughtering a few enemy soldiers as he helps her deliver it. Giving birth to the baby, her last words are "His name will be Conan!". Corin holds the bloody child up to the sky triumphantly. The main thing I took from this scene is the fact that Perlman is wearing so much shaggy hair and heavy make up, he looks more like he's trying out for the role of Bigfoot in a remake of Harry and the Hendersons, than he does a fierce warrior.

Cut ahead to Conan as a young boy (Leo Howard), who is learning from his father how to be a proper Barbarian, as well as a swordsmith. Conan's boyhood days of slaughtering random invaders in the forest and forging swords are cut short, when his village is burned down, and his father killed by the evil Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang). Khalar attacked the village, because he wanted a piece of an ancient mask that apparently holds the power to resurrect his dead sorceress wife, and become a god. I guess that's as good of an evil plan as any, but that's pretty much all there is to the character, other than the fact he has an evil daughter named Marique (Rose McGowan), who likes to make monsters out of sand, and slice people open with her talon-like fingernails. Conan grows up to be an adult (Jason Momoa), obsessed with tracking down Khalar Zym. That's Conan's motivation through the whole movie, right there. Oh, and there's a "pure blood" named Tamara (Rachel Nichols), who is needed in Khalar's evil ritual to become a god, as both a human sacrifice, and as a vessel for his dead wife's return.

Conan does not so much tell a story, as it is a series of bloody action and torture sequences, and then it is over. It probably helps if you are familiar with the universe of the characters, as there's so little exposition. Conan keeps on entering different cities and places, and we see a subtitle informing us where he is, but the movie doesn't really tell us much beyond that as to how these places he's visiting fit into the fantasy world. One place even has a giant deadly octopus or squid swimming about its waters, though its purpose alludes me, other than director Marcus Nispel thought it would make for an interesting fight sequence. Looking at Nispel's past credits, I see he has a slew of remakes under his belt including 2003's Texas Chainsaw Massacre, a TV version of Frankenstein, and 2009's Friday the 13th. Someone in Hollywood must think this guy knows what he's doing in rebooting franchises. I would like to tell that someone they're wrong.

Here's another amazing fact about this movie - There are three different writers credited. What's so amazing about that? Well, considering that 60% of the dialogue consists mainly of grunts, cries, screams, and wails of rage, I have to wonder what the screenplay itself looked like. At least when the characters do actually talk, they get to say intelligent lines like, "I don't like you, Barbarian!". I'd comment on the performances about this point, but what would be the use? The entire cast is forced to act like characters in a video game, hacking and slashing anyone in their path, with the minimalist of dialogue to move things forward to the next scene, where they hack and slash anyone in their path once again. I know, this is Conan, and I should not be expecting rich characters and dialogue. But hey, at least Schwarzenegger got to say a one-liner once in a whilein the earlier movies.

Conan the Barbarian is being shown in both 2D and 3D formats. If you should find yourself with a desire to watch this film (against your better judgement, I would hope), see it in 2D. That's how I saw it, and I saw absolutely nothing that dark, murky glasses would have added to the experience. Either way you do see the movie, you're still left with total garbage.

See the movie times in your area or buy the DVD at Amazon.com!

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