Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

 

Originally set to be released last Spring, and sitting on the studio shelf until being released this weekend, Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is a high concept movie dumbed down considerably.  It has dopey dialogue, a murky look, characters who drift in and out of the narrative without rhyme or reason, and a chainsaw editing style that comes across like large chunks of the film were left on the editing room floor.  If this movie does inspire a franchise, as the ending seems to suggest, I will be very surprised.

As the film opens, we get a recreation of the classic Hansel and Gretel story, as the two children are abandoned in the middle of the woods by their parents.  The movie forgets about the trail of breadcrumbs, but it does have the gingerbread house, and the evil witch within who tries to cook the little tykes in her massive oven.  The kids turn the tables on her, and in a voice over narration, we learn that the fateful moment of pushing the old hag into the oven was a life-changing moment for young Hansel and Gretel.  They grow up to become professional witch hunters, and are now played by Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton, respectively.  The movie is set in a medieval fantasy land, where everyone dresses like old beggars and peasants, except for Hansel and Gretel, who dress in body-fitting black leather outfits that make it look like they're heading for a medieval S&M bar.

The witch hunters ride into a town that is having a lot of problems.  Children from the village are disappearing, and there's rumors that the grand witch, Muriel (Famke Janssen), has set up base in the forest outside the village, and is planning to perform an ancient ritual that will make witches immune to fire (their main weakness, supposedly).  The frightened Mayor Engleman (Rainer Bock) has called upon Hansel and Gretel to see if there is a connection.  It does not take long for the evil Muriel to attack the town, and reveal her evil intentions.  In fact, from that point on, the movie basically rushes head-first through a series of incomprehensible action and special effects sequences.  Hansel and Gretel make some allies in their battle, revisit their childhood home and learn some secrets of the past, and then they're off to the final showdown.  The movie feels so truncated and sped up, it's almost laughable.

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters obviously wants to be a campy and tongue-in-cheek horror action flick, along the lines of the Evil Dead movies.  But, it takes so much more than over the top blood and gore and silly one liners to pull that off.  We also need to get a feel for these characters, and this movie is in such a major rush, we barely have any time to get to know them.  There are hints at the deep sibling relationship that Hansel and Gretel share, but it's over almost as soon as it starts, and the two are back to trading mindless one liners with each other before too long.  The side characters are also essentially brushed aside in terms of development.  There's a kid in the village (Thomas Mann) who idolizes the witch hunting duo, and wants to join them in their adventures.  That's pretty much all we learn about him.  There's a potential love interest for Hansel in the form of a young woman he saves from being wrongfully tried as a dark witch early on (Pihla Viitala), but very little is done with her character.  There's even a CG troll who joins in on their adventures, but the movie forgets to give him a personality, or even much of a reason for him to join up with the heroes.

The movie is not much to look at either, despite reportedly costing around $60 million.  For some reason, director and co-writer Tommy Wirkola (Dead Snow) and cinematographer Michael Bonvillain have decided to shoot the movie in murky and washed out tones.  It constantly looks like you're watching the movie through a dirty window.  And this was the traditional 2D film.  Yes, the film is being released in 3D on select screens, and I can only imagine that the movie looks even bleaker with those stupid glasses on.  If you insist upon seeing blood and witch parts fly off the screen whenever Hansel and Gretel kill one of their enemies, then by all means, go.  Just keep in mind that this is a dark enough looking movie already, and the glasses probably won't improve things.

 

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters lacks the wit and imagination to carry through with its initial promise.  And yet, I have the feeling that the original script was much smarter than what ended up on the screen.  The movie has that stench of studio interference, and its 88 minute running time is a tell-tale sign that this movie was probably hacked and edited to pieces before being released.  Whoever had the bright idea to do this only have themselves to blame.  They ruined a perfectly good idea for a fun little film.

See the movie times in your area or buy the DVD at Amazon.com!

0 comments