Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chip-Wrecked

In a season where wonderful family films like Hugo, The Muppets, and Arthur Christmas are playing, there is absolutely no reason to see Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chip-Wrecked. In fact, even if those other movies weren't playing, there would still be no reason to see this. The movie is a cynical cash grab targeting the kids who were delighted by the previous two Alvin films. It's an 87 minute dead zone devoid of imagination, wit, and substance. Parents who take their kids to see this get what they deserve.

Let's be honest, the Chipmunk movies haven't exactly been the cream of the kiddie movie crop. But, I found them mostly harmless, and kind of cute in certain moments. The latest entry, in comparison, is a total con. It lures kids in with the promise of more adventures with their favorite characters, and then gives them a movie where the Chipmunks and the Chipettes (girl singing chipmunks) doing very little for almost 90 minutes. The plot (such as it is) kicks off with Chipmunks Alvin (voice by Justin Long), Simon (voice by Matthew Gray Gubler) and Theodore (voice by Jesse McCartney), along with the Chipettes Brittany (voice by Christina Applegate), Jeanette (voice by Anna Farris) and Eleanor (voice by Amy Poehler) about to embark on a luxury cruise vacation with their human surrogate father, Dave (Jason Lee). The movie goes out of its way to make sure we know that they are sailing on a Carnival Cruise ship, through various signs placed strategically in the background, or having the name mentioned in the dialogue. Were it not for Jack and Jill managing to work Dunkin' Donuts into its own plot just one month ago, this would be the most blatant use of product placement I've seen in a long time.

Also on board the cruise ship is Ian (David Cross), a former music executive who served as the villain in the last two movies. His career has been ruined, and he's hit hard times, so he's now forced to work on the ship as a costumed mascot character. David Cross can be very funny, as anyone who has seen his work on the TV shows Arrested Development or Mr. Show already knows. The fact that he spends the entire movie dressed in a cartoon pelican costume shows that he's a pretty good sport. The fact that he can't think of anything funny or interesting to do during the film's running time shows that he probably should have walked away from this one. But, I digress. Alvin, the Chipmunks, and the Chipettes all get separated from the ship during a mishap with a kite that carries them out to sea. They wash ashore on a deserted island, and wait for Dave to rescue them, who is forced to team up with Ian, after both men go overboard as well while trying to rescue Alvin and the others.

This makes up the bulk of the film, with the Chipmunks and Chipettes trying to survive, while Dave and Ian put aside their past differences and look for them. This is where the movie sputters into hopelessness. The stuff with the Chipmunks trying to live on the island is not funny or interesting, there's a subplot where the brainy and cautious Simon gets a spider bite, which somehow effects his way of thinking, turning him into a dashing and suave adventurer named Simone, and there's a volcano off in the distance that looks like it's getting ready to erupt and threaten the entire island. There is nothing exciting in any of these storylines, especially the stuff concerning the volcano, which includes some of the least convincing special effects I've seen in a big budget movie in a while when it finally goes off. There's also a woman who lives on the island named Zoe (played by Saturday Night Live's Jenny Slate). She's looking for a lost treasure, and has been isolated on the island so long, she talks to volleyballs with faces drawn on them in a ten years too late parody of Tom Hanks in Cast Away.

Everything unfolds in such a sluggish manner. The previous movies never wowed me, but at least I wasn't completely bored like I was here. This is a movie where it looks like everybody came back just because of the paycheck. Nobody's heart is in it, the sets and special effects look surprisingly chintzy this time around, and there's just an overall feeling that nobody cared about making a good movie, and just slapped a product together. Chip-Wrecked is like one of those cheap made for DVD movies that parents sometimes use to appease kids when they want time to themselves. The only difference is that you have to pay theater prices to watch it. And once the theater has your money, the movie doesn't have the decency to give the kids anything of value. It's just a lot of bright colors and mindless music montages.

There are plenty of great movies for kids out there that spark their imagination, make them think, or inspires something within them. This is a soulless cash grab that doesn't want to do any of those things. This is cinematic junk food that nobody needs, especially young children, who deserve much better.

See the movie times in your area or buy the DVD at Amazon.com!

0 comments