This Means War

When you think about it, there's no way that This Means War could have worked. Its premise is just too off-putting. This is a movie about two best friends, both of them CIA operatives, who fall in love with the same woman. They compete with each other for the woman's love, and use their fellow operatives as well as hi-tech spy equipment to basically stalk this woman. Not even the presence of usually likable and reliable actors like Tom Hardy, Chris Pine, Reese Witherspoon, and Angela Bassett can make this material work. Then again, nobody seems to be on their A-game here. It's like they knew they were all caught in a hopeless stinker.

Hardy and Pine play the agents, named Tuck and FDR, respectively. They've both been best friends for years, and as the movie opens, are closing in on a terrorist named Heinrich (Til Schweiger). The character of Heinrich does not exist to be a villain in the movie, like you would expect. In fact, he disappears for almost the entire thing, only to show up again at the end. He's simply in the movie so it can open with an action sequence, and close with a car chase. Tuck and FDR fail to capture Heinrich in the film's opening shoot out, and wind up destroying a lot of private property in the process. Their boss back at headquarters (Angela Bassett) chews them out, and demotes them both to desk work. That the talented Bassett is reduced simply to scenes where she crosses her arms and yells at the two male leads is the first of the film's many missteps.

Here, the movie shows us a little bit of the private lives of the two friends. Tuck is a lonely divorced dad, with a cute little kid who is trotted out whenever the movie needs a sympathetic moment for him. FDR is equally single, and lives in the kind of apartment that I think only the wealthy 1% could afford, complete with a swimming pool on the roof. They both see a commercial for a dating site on TV, and Tuck is the one who decides to try sending in a profile. At about this time, we meet Lauren (Reese Witherspoon), a cute and likable young woman who is unlucky in love. Maybe it's because the screenplay forces her in many scenes to act like she has the I.Q. of a teenage star on one of those Disney Channel sitcoms. Her alcoholic and sex-obsessed best friend, Trish (Chelsea Handler), puts a profile up for Lauren on the same dating site. Within seconds, Lauren and Tuck are matched up, they're dating by the next scene, and there's instant chemistry between the two.

But what a hilarious coincidence! After her date with Tuck, Lauren runs in to FDR at the video store. The guy wastes no time in acting like a childish jerk around her, but she decides to give him a chance anyway, and wouldn't you know it, she learns over dinner that there's more to the guy than there initially seemed. Now she feels a connection with both guys! It doesn't take long for Tuck and FDR to realize that they are both dating the same woman, and rather than talk and work things out like real friends would do, they begin a lengthy and unfunny war where they gather up a bunch of spy equipment, bug Lauren's house with cameras and hidden microphones so they can monitor her 24-7, and hire their fellow friends at the CIA to watch her every move. This is the Idiot Plot run amok, and also adds a certain creepy factor to the two guys the movie wants us to see be around Lauren.

This Means War is unlikable from its very premise, but then the screenplay makes matters even worse by being not the least bit funny, and by making the characters so moronic, there's no way we can relate to them. It also forgets crucial elements, like making Lauren have real chemistry with either Tuck or FDR, so we can at least hope that one of the guys do end up with her in the end. Director McG (best known for the Charlie's Angels films) also seems confused as to the tone of the movie he wants. Even in the film's quieter moments, there's a certain manic energy that just doesn't work. And if he can't think of anything funny to do in a scene, he throws in tired physical humor, such as the scene where FDR and Lauren are visiting a dog shelter, and FDR suddenly starts getting attacked by dogs for absolutely no reason. The movie thinks it's funny that Lauren doesn't notice this happening, as the attack happens when she's not looking. It's not.

This is not a rare occurrence unfortunately, as the movie forces Lauren to be oblivious to a lot of things going on around her. Witherspoon is one of the more likable actresses out there, and seeing her playing such a clueless airhead isn't funny, it's depressing. As for Hardy and Pine, their "friendly" banter is so wooden and forced, they often come across as if they've just met each other moments before the cameras started rolling. This movie miscalculates in just about every way. It thinks its lead stars are likable, but they're not. It thinks the idea that these guys are using spy equipment to stalk this woman is funny, but it just ends up being creepy. It also seems to think that the character of Lauren's best friend and her tired sex jokes are comedic highlights. All they made me want to do is wish that I never see Chelsea Handler in a movie again.

I know it's only February, but This Means War is the first strong lock for worst movie of 2012. Supposedly, this script's been making the rounds in Hollywood for years, and has had a large variety of stars attached at different times. What so many people saw in this project, I have no idea. Whatever it was, it didn't make its way up on the screen.

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